Wesker and Ada's Day Off
by Rainfox88
Summary: Tired of all the failures against Chris and the others, Wesker gathers Ada, Nicholai, Krauser, Sherry, and HUNK to go on a vacation in the Bahamas. Soon, they find Chris and the others vacationing as well, chaos and hilarity ensues. Warning: Crazy Goats!
1. Chapter 1: Fail!

**Wesker and Ada's Day Off**

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**Storyline:** Wesker is in dire need of a vacation, since all of his evil plans get thwarted from Chris and the others. He plans a trip to the Bahamas, but then Ada wants to go, and thus so do Krauser and Nicholai. Wesker brings them along, knowing he could get away from them once they arrive. Well, come to find out, Chris and the others have come for the very same reason. Now they all must deal with each other while trying to have a good vacation. Nicholai joins a goat worshipping cult, Ada spends lots of money on Wesker's credit cards, and Krauser gets into trouble!

**Genre:** Humor/Action/Parody with some WeskerxAda, ChrisxJill, BarryxSandwiches, ClairexLeon, Rebecca and herbs…lol. Rated T for some language and awkward moments!

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**Chapter 1: Fail!**

Wesker ripped the teddy bear in half, wishing it was Chris instead. He had a total toddler tantrum, running around his control room in anger. Ada sat calmly in his chair of evil doing, filing her nails. She watched Wesker walk back and forth, making a trench in the floor.

"Did Chris thwart your evil plans again?" Ada sighed, shaking her head.

"Yes! How can such an incompetent fool do so well in destroying my taking over the world plans?" Wesker growled, now smothering the leftover teddy bear under his black boot of evil.

"Because the good guys always win," Ada put in dully.

"Even my sandwich bait didn't work for Barry…all because Chris ate it," Wesker sighed.

"Maybe you aren't putting much effort into it."

"Do you see this teddy bear?"

"Yes, that is Mr. Fluffy…Krauser's teddy bear."

"Do you want to become this teddy bear, with its insides and button eyes scattered across the floor?"

"Not really," Ada answered, smiling.

"Then you should be telling me how great I am doing and that Chris just has dumb luck."

"You are doing great and Chris has dumb luck."

"Say it like you mean it, Ada."

Ada heaved a sigh. "Maybe you should send in one of your BOWs to destroy them. Hell, you are a superhuman with a virus that has kick-ass abilities. You should just be able to rip their heads off."

Wesker tapped his chin. "You would think so…Why don't I do it then?"

"Because you are too busy ranting on your evil plan at the moment, and that gives Chris plenty of time to thwart your plan."

"I don't talk that much."

"You'd be surprised if you watched some of them back. I was there, man you just kept going on like a sixteen year old on a cell phone."

Wesker glared over at his partner in crime. "Teddy bear, Ada."

"Oh, right. Sorry. You are doing a fantastic job my evil honey bun."

"I got it! Bring in my secret weapon!" Wesker laughed.

A door in the dark, creepy control room slid open, and a small form came out. It walked for them from the shadows, its forms lithe and terrorizing. Ada's eyes widened, knowing that if Nicholai and Krauser were here, they would be hiding and whimpering. Wesker continued to laugh maniacally, only stopping to cough and hack because something got stuck in his throat. Out of the shadows came a creature so sinister, it was sure to catch anybody's attention.

Not really, it was just young Sherry Birkin. She grinned and giggled up at Wesker. "Hi Uncle Albert!"

"God that voice is so annoying!" Wesker shivered. "And don't call me Uncle!"

"Okay, Uncle Albert!"

"Isn't she adorable?" Ada laughed. "And she is your secret weapon?"

"Yes, she is. You know why?"

Ada rolled her eyes. "I'm just dying to know."

Wesker snapped his fingers twice. Nicholai and Krauser came walking in. When they saw Sherry, their eyes widened. "No! We didn't do anything wrong!"

"Sherry, why don't you show Ada how you are useful to me. Show her how you make men fall to their knees with your awesome power!" Wesker snickered.

"Okay, Uncle Albert!" she giggled, skipping over to the two large men.

Wesker slapped his face. "When will she stop calling me that?"

"Hey! Mr. Fluffy! What happened to him? I'm going to kick the ass of whoever did that to him!" Krauser barked angrily.

Sherry kicked Krauser in the crotch. The blow made Krauser yelp like a girl and fall to his knees. The Russian was next. Sherry hummed a little song with bright eyes and a smile on her face. Nicholai covered his boys, smiling down at her.

"Hey there, little Sherry! I will get you some ice cream if you don't kick me, okay?"

"And I will give you ice cream for kicking him! Who has the better deal? Kick him and feel the power you have, Sherry!" Wesker yelled.

Sherry was no longer by Nicholai anymore. He looked down, now noticing the young blonde girl glaring up at him. She kicked him in the nuts, moving on to go leave the control room. Wesker yelped, dropping to his knees.

"I'm taking a break, Uncle Albert!"

Nicholai let out a long sigh of relief. Krauser was just now getting back to his feet. He still looked like he was in pain, but he tried to smile over at his Russian comrade. "Nothing like a fresh kick to the testicles in the morning to get the day started."

"I'm glad I was lucky," Nicholai sighed. "She showed mercy to me."

"It was you who tore apart Mr. Fluffy!" Krauser suddenly yelled, enraged. He kicked Nicholai in the nuts. "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Knock it off! All of you!" Wesker ordered, getting back to his feet.

Ada looked like she was enjoying every minute of this. Nicholai and Krauser paused in their little dust ball fight. Krauser was chewing on Nicholai's head, but then they slowly moved away from each other.

"Now, I need to come up with a plan so diabolical, it will put Hitler to shame!"

"If he goes on with his crazy antics like this, he is gonna end up like Spencer," Ada heaved, thinking back to her crazy, dinosaur aged employer and founder of Umbrella.

_(Cue the Pixar short film where the old man plays chess with only himself and an alter ego, fighting over who is going to win the dentures…even though they are already…you know…his…err never mind…)_

Krauser shot his hand into the air, dancing around like an excited elementary student. "Oh! Pick me! Pick me! I got it!"

Wesker rubbed his temples. "Yes, Krauser?"

"How about we try killing Leon instead? He is almost as dumb as Chris! And I hate his guts! I remember this one time when I was pretending to be on his side at the training base that he accidentally went into the women's bathroom, and so I had to go fetch him! Gahahahaha! It was hilarious!"

_Flashback_

"Leon, you idiot! C'mon, this is the women's bathroom!" Krauser grumbled, finding Leon staring at a tampon and pad machine built into the wall by the sink. He was reading the instructions on the side, looking very much curious. He tapped his chin, somewhat cocking his head like a puppy dog.

"Hmm…meets ADA requirements….Wait! Ada has requirements? Holy Hell!"

_End Flashback_

Krauser chuckled. "Moron…"

"You are the moron," Nicholai growled. "How about we grab HUNK and we all go for a men's night out? All this work is exhausting and stressful! A good night of partying will fix everything! Ada can stay and baby-sit Sherry!"

Ada glared at the Russian. "Nicholai, I have more balls then you so you would be the one left behind to baby-sit."

Wesker and Krauser started laughing while Nicholai glared right back at Ada. She smiled sweetly, batting her eyelashes.

"Nicholai, are you going to stand for that?" Krauser snickered.

"I guess I am going to have to. I don't want to end up like Mr. Fluffy," he sighed.

"Mr. Fluffy, NOOOOOOOO!" Krauser balled, falling to his knees to wail out his inner remorse.

"I could always let loose another outbreak…where is a location I haven't done yet? How about…hmm…Texas?" Wesker inquired.

"Your cousin Dale Gribble is down there, remember? It would be horrible for him to stand there drinking beers with his pals, Hank, Boomhauer, and Bill and then suddenly for them to see a mob of zombies walking down the street," Ada heaved, shaking her head.

"It's not like I would miss him," Wesker snorted. "He makes my family look out to be a bunch of lunatics."

"That's because all of you are…Dale is just the most simple minded of the loonies," Ada answered.

"Come to think of it, he does owe me a free termination. Those zombie cockroaches in the basement levels are getting horrible," Wesker said, tapping his chin in thought.

Ada grabbed the remote for the large screen that was depicting satellite images and flipped it onto the cartoon channel. Johnny Bravo was playing on the channel, getting Wesker, Krauser, and Nicholai's attention. The dark haired woman chuckled, grinning up at her employer.

"Now if this guy was your cousin, you would totally be set. You look just like each other."

"We do not! How can you compare that idiotic ape to my superiority?" Wesker snorted, folding his arms.

"It's the hair," Nicholai mumbled.

"No, the sunglasses!"

"I say it is the failure," Ada laughed, and then received a death glare by Wesker. Her smile dropped. "I mean…maybe I better turn this off."

She flicked the screen off so they could give Wesker their full attention. Nicholai scratched his head, looking at his boss curiously.

"Why do you where your sunglasses all the time? I mean, look at you! You are inside, it is night outside, and it is dim in here!"

"That's why he runs into stuff all the time," Ada explained.

"I do not! And I have a problem with light sensitivity thank you! See watch," Wesker growled. He pulled off his sunglasses. Immediately Ada grabbed a small, LED flashlight and shone it in Wesker's face. "Ow! It burns! The light burns!"

"So, how about that party?" Nicholai inquired.

"Alright, fine, but first let's do some much needed training," Wesker sighed. "Nicholai, Krauser…run while shooting those targets over there. This should show us your accuracy."

"But we are Resident Evil characters. We can't run and shoot at the same time," Nicholai explained, rubbing his head.

"Oh yeah…hmm…well, I made pumpkin bread if anyone wants some," Wesker said.

"Hell yeah! I'm totally there!" Krauser barked, running over Nicholai to get to the kitchen first.

Ada rolled her eyes, knowing this was going to be a long night with the boys.

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**A/N: Okay, so I was very bored and hyped up on sugar. I just had to post this first chapter. Now, keep in mind that I am not going to focus on this near as much as the others right now until I can get a few finished. I just wanted to post this chapter to see how popular it will get. If it doesn't do too good, which won't bother me of course, I will just take it down lol. Sorry for all the randomness, but anyways this story was based off of a video on YouTube called "Wesker and Ada's Day Off" by jeanetteRyokuX. You guys should watch it, it is hilarious! XD I was thinking about changing the title to Villain Vacation, but I don't know lol. Anyways, please enjoy! :D**


	2. Chapter 2: Damn Animals

**Chapter 2: Damn Animals**

Wesker put on his handy dandy latex gloves, slapping them to his wrist like an evil scientist would do. He proceeded to pick up the walking rhinoceros beetle, presenting it to those who watched him in his glorious glory.

"This rhinoceros beetle is the strongest animal according to size prop-"

"What? That beetle isn't the strongest animal! I can crush that thing with my boot!" Krauser snorted.

Wesker heaved a sigh. "As I was saying, it is the strongest animal according to size proportion. Just imagine what will happen if I inject this beetle with a virus and it grows to be the size of a house! It will be called….Beetlezilla!"

Krauser grabbed the beetle from Wesker's hand and dropped it onto the ground. He proceeded to crush it with his huge boot. He then cackled like an evil little kid. "That beetle didn't prove to be so strong."

"You just killed my experiment you imbecile!" Wesker yelled, jumping up and down in a tantrum.

"Oh…sorry…"

"Go fetch Hunk. He can go seek me out another beetle!" Wesker ordered.

Krauser ran out of the laboratory, leaving Wesker, Ada, and Nicholai behind to find Hunk. The mercenary was in his quarters. When Krauser came in, Hunk was wearing his boots, his boxers, and his gas mask while squatting and flexing in his full size mirror.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Hunk jumped, spinning around to face Krauser. "I'm checking out my awesome body! They don't call me Hunk for nothing!" He proceeded to laugh like an arrogant jock.

"You sound like Kenny from South Park…what did you say?" Krauser grumbled.

"I said…never mind. What do you want?"

"Are you ever going to show us your face? Are you ugly or something? Are you a fan of Darth Vader?"

Hunk heaved a sigh. "I take it Wesker sent you to tell me to do something…"

"Go on! Do the Darth Vader breathing!"

Hunk groaned, slapping himself in the face…er gas mask. He started to breathe like Darth Vader, and Krauser giggled and clapped his hands together. "Brilliant!"

"Now, why are you here?"

"Oh, Wesker wants you to find another rhinoceros beetle because I squished his."

"You squished his beetle? For shame…"

_Back to the laboratory…_

"Maybe I could make some kind of awesome monster with a lemur!" Wesker giggled.

"A lemur? Like from Madagascar?" Ada questioned.

"I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it…you like to…" Nicholai was singing but slowly eased to a stop from Wesker and Ada's odd stares.

"Yes, Madagascar! They don't come from Antarctica or anything…that would be stupid!

"Why a lemur?"

"I saw this cute little show on Animal Planet last night," Wesker said, and then it all went quiet. There was a chirp from a cricket and then silence. "I mean…there was this stupid little show about lemurs on Animal Planet last night but then I changed it to the murder mystery channel…"

"OOOHHHH! Were there any goats on last night?" Nicholai barked, jumping up and down.

"No….well, actually there was! Fainting goats!" Wesker laughed.

"I LOVE fainting goats! I need some of those to scare all the time!" Nicholai chortled.

"You men are dumb," Ada sighed.

"Watch what you say to your employer!" Wesker snapped. "Hmm…speaking of which, I was supposed to interview some new bad guys today."

They left the laboratory to go to the control room, where Wesker proceeded to let in the new people he was going to interview. Ada and Nicholai were confused by all the wackos that were in the room, standing in line.

Wesker rubbed his hands together, clearing his throat. "Alrighty then! Who do we have here first?"

"My name is Freddy…I have long claws and can scare the crap out of people while they are sleeping!"

"Ehhh, don't have much use for that…next!"

A tall, menacing man came up with a hockey mask and a machete. Wesker waited and the man didn't speak. "I'm sorry, you are gonna have to speak up."

"Is it Friday the 13th?" the man asked.

"Nope…"

"Oh, sorry…can't help ya," the man answered, turning and walking away.

"Next!"

"Let's put a smile on that face!"

"NEXT!"

Wesker looked around, but there was nobody next. "Down here, chump."

Wesker looked down, saw a bloodied up doll with a knife, red hair, and grisly grin. "The name is Chuckie."

"Like the cheese?" Wesker asked, scratching his head. "Wait, you are a doll."

"Yeah, so?"

Wesker dropped kicked him right out of the window. "Next!"

A tall, menacing man came walking up with a huge, rusted metal pyramid head and a huge Cloud Strife sword. His robes were torn and bloody and he caught Wesker's interest.

"Yes! And who are you?"

"Bob."

"Bob?"

"Yes, Bob."

"What do you do, Bob?"

"Oh, I hunt down crazy little, good for nothing protagonists and tear their limbs off and eat them…well I don't eat them, but they are sure dead!"

"You are hired my good sir!"

"Yes!"

"What?" Ada exclaimed. "He is like this crazy, demon god of death!"

"I like him!" Wesker laughed maniacally. "Welcome to the staff, Bob! Ada, go fetch him his complementary gift basket!"

"That's Krauser's job!"

"DOOOOO IT!"

Ada grumbled and left to go get a complementary gift basket. It didn't take long before three tyrants came walking over to Wesker. One was Nemesis, one was Mr. X, and the other was the T-002 that impaled Wesker from the first game. "Oh look, if it isn't Tweedledum, Tweedledoodum, and Tweedledeedum!" Wesker laughed.

"We can prove our worth, boss!" Nemesis pleaded.

Wesker heaved a sigh. "Fine, you and Mr. X can go help Krauser and Hunk dig up beetles!"

"Why beetles?" Mr. X asked.

"Don't back talk me!" Wesker ordered, kicking the tyrants in the stomach. "Now go!"

The T-002 remained. He tried to twiddle his thumbs, but one of his thumbs was a huge claw and it didn't work out too well. Wesker scratched his head again. "What's your name again?"

"Rocko!"

"Alright, Rocko! Go…uhh…tend to my garden!"

Rocko gasped. "You have a garden?"

"A garden of death! Mwahahahahaha…no really, it's in the back and needs some manure on it."

"Okay, boss!"

"Here, Bob! I got your gift basket!"

Pyramid Head dropped his Cloud Strife sword, which crushed Nicholai's toe and made him yelp. Bob clapped his hands together. "GIFT BASKET!"

"Wait a minute…what happened to my pit hole of death?" Wesker asked, looking around.

Bob snorted. "It's probably in some guy's bathroom."

Wesker and Ada were confused by Pyramid Head's remark. He slapped his metal head with a sigh. "Never mind…"

Nemesis was running in, screaming like a girl. "She's here! She's here!"

"Who's here?" Wesker asked.

Jill Valentine came rushing in dressed in her Resident Evil 3 attire. She had a gun and she aimed it at Nemesis, who put his hands up to show he meant no harm. "Chill out, crazy lady! I don't hunt S.T.A.R.S anymore!"

"You want stars? I'll give you stars!" Jill roared. She started bashing Nemesis's head. He yelled ouch over and over again until she knocked him out.

"Ohhhhh, pretty birdies," Nemesis giggled.

"Dammit! I meant to give him stars!" Jill grumbled, slapping herself in the face.

"Jill, what are you doing in my headquarters of doom?" Wesker sighed.

"Oh, sorry…I don't know what came over myself. How have you been anyway?"

"Well, actually I have been….wait a minute, why am I having a conversation with you? Get out before I feed you to my Hunters! Bob! Destroy her!"

"Not yet," Bob sighed. He looked at his wristwatch. "The church siren hasn't gone off yet."

"What?"

"Well, that gives me a good enough excuse to leave!" Jill laughed. "See ya, peeps!"

"That was awkward and downright weird," Ada sighed, shaking her head.

"Tell me about it….GOAT!" The Russian ran to the computer screen that was showing a clip of two goats playing in a yard.

"I am surrounded by idiots…" Ada cried.

"What else was on my "to do" list today?" Wesker inquired. "Oh yeah! I need a pet of evil!"

"A pet of…evil?" Ada asked.

"Yes! Don't you realize that every major bad guy in movies and stuff have awesome evil pets? Like attack dogs, wild animals, or cute cats?"

Wesker clapped his hands together. Steve Burnside came rushing in while wearing a French maid outfit. He came straight to Wesker. "Yes sir?"

"Get me…a cat of doom!"

"Cat of doom?"

"Well, just a cat…I could add the doom later," Wesker answered.

"What breed, sir?"

"Just a cat!"

Steve ran out, and then came back with a white cat. "No, no, that white hair will stand out on my black clothes!"

Steve left and came back with a black cat. "No, no, that will be too much black! The heroes won't know it's there in my lap!"

Steve left and came back with a Sphinx. The hairless, pinkish brown skinned cat blinked up at Wesker with green eyes and crazy alien ears. Wesker grabbed the cat and held it up into the air like the cubs the in Lion King.

"It's the circle of life! This is it! My kitty cat of doom!"

"It looks like a failed experiment!" Ada snorted with laughter.

The cat hissed at her. Wesker laughed while stroking its back. "His name will be Skittles and he shall be mine!"

"Glad you like him, sir!" Steve giggled.

Wesker kicked Steve in the head. "Get out of here, you baby!"

Krauser came rushing in with Hunk and Mr. X. "I got the beetle! Holy hell what is that in your arms?"

"It's Skittles! My attack cat!" Wesker answered, grinning.

"It's a cat? Looks like a bald alien rat."

"Maybe I should have a 'Beware of the Cat' sign up somewhere," Wesker said, tapping his chin.

"Oh geez, please don't do that…it might cause some confusion."

_Flashback to one of Krauser and Leon's missions together…_

They came upon the property line, where the sign read 'Beware of the Dog'. Leon and Krauser watched as a huge Rottweiler and a tiny Chihuahua came running to the fence, barking and snarling.

"Oh me gawd! Which dog is it talking about? It says beware of THE dog…but which one?" Leon gasped.

"I'm sure it is talking about the Rottweiler…I mean it can kill ya…the Chihuahua…hmmm not so much."

"But rabid Chihuahuas are mankind's most feared creations!" Leon cried.

"Leon…Rottweiler that weighs 120 pounds or a Chihuahua that weighs 5 pounds?" Krauser heaved.

"But that Chihuahua looks absolutely terrifying!"

Krauser snapped, grabbing Leon and throwing him over into the fence. Both dogs attacked him and Krauser tore down the 'Beware of the Dog' sign.

_End of Flashback…_

"All of you get out! You are all annoying me and Three's Company is coming on! It's the one where Jack gets into trouble and the girls have to get him out of it, but then they get dragged into trouble as well!" Wesker ordered.

"Oi," Ada grumbled, leaving with the others.

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**A/N: Hmm...awkward...Lol, I couldn't help but to put Pyramid Head from Silent Hill in here...yes and I named him Bob! :) And yes, various scary movie villains popped up as well as FAINTING GOATS! Aw, fainting goats are hilarious...I really do feel sorry for Ada in this chapter...surrounded by imbeciles. Oh yes, and the tyrants will be in here more too lol. Well, I hope all of you enjoyed this short, crazy chapter! Good day! :)**


	3. Chapter 3: Foolproof

**Chapter 3: Foolproof**

It was perfect. Absolutely perfect! The mansion looked exactly like Spencer's old mansion. This would surely confuse and creep Chris and the others out. Wesker rubbed his palms together with an evil grin, cackling a villain chuckle. Now, all he needed to do was tell the others the plan, this foolproof plan, to capture Chris and the others where they wanted them.

Ada looked bored. Nicholai was picking his nose, and Krauser and Pyramid Head were giggling about something in the corner, probably a portrait of some cute, fuzzy animal. The tyrants were squatted down towards the floor playing jacks. Nemesis was winning; you could tell by how he was grinning…well he was always grinning. Wesker turned to face them. He frowned upon seeing his mob of henchmen doing nothing productive.

"What are you doing? Everyone come over here so I can explain on how we are going to capture Chris and the others with my new foolproof plan!"

"Foolproof?" Ada snorted. "How many times have I heard that before?"

"Shut it! Now…"

Wesker trailed off to see Hunk enter into the main hall of the mansion. He was carrying some explosives around. Wesker blinked, and so did the others. If Hunk was here with them, then who was babysitting Sherry back at Headquarters?

_Flash to Headquarters…_

"Steve! I want that chocolate cake now!" Sherry screamed.

"Not before your dinner young lady!" Steve countered, pointing his finger down at the young girl. He looked absolutely dumb trying to be scolding like a parent…I mean he was still wearing that ridiculous French maid outfit.

Sherry was fuming now. She kicked Steve in the nuts. The man yelped, dropping to his knees while holding himself. He glared up at the little brat.

"Chocolate cake!"

"Why you little!" Steve barked, his skin turning green.

Sherry's eyes widened as Steve was growing in size and turning green. His clothes were ripping from his growing size and Sherry screamed in fear.

"Holy crap! It's Hulk! That movie was horrible! I need some cake!" Sherry cried, running away. "Run Skittles! Run!"

The hairless cat raised its head up from its nap on Wesker's chair of doom just enough to see the girl run away and Hulk Steve roar out. The cat then yawned and went back to sleep.

"Must…destroy…cake!" Hulk Steve snarled out.

_Back to Wesker and the gang…_

"She's a little girl. How much damage can she cause?" Nicholai chuckled.

"Yeah, you are right. Now, let's focus here. Who makes some awesome, killer sandwiches?" Wesker inquired.

Rocko raised his huge clawed hand in excitement, grinning broadly. "Oh me! Pick me!"

"Why would I pick you, Nacho? You impaled me!" Wesker barked.

"It's Rocko, sir! And I can make a turkey and bacon club like you wouldn't believe!"

"Alright, alright. You better be right about this! If the sandwiches aren't made to perfection, then Barry will know it is a trap! Now get to the kitchen and start making those sandwiches!"

Rocko saluted, jamming a claw into his skull by accident. "Aye, aye, captain!"

The large tyrant ran off towards the kitchen. Wesker scratched his chin, turning back to the others. "Hunk, why do you have all those explosives?"

"Because every Resident Evil mission needs an explosion in the end!"

"Oh boy…alright, go get them set up. Just make sure we aren't still in the mansion when it blows."

"Yay!" Hunk giggled, running off.

Wesker rubbed his chin, studying the hall and deciding on where to put the others. Chris and his team of nitwits would be coming through the front door, and they needed to be ready.

"Okay, Mr. X, I need for you to explode through the wall in a room in the west wing…Nemesis…ahhh…you can come crashing through the roof…and Krauser, you can destroy Leon…you Bob, you can stalk one of the corridors. Make sure you drag that huge knife around so it makes a scary noise. Nicholai, don't stop being cool, and Ada…you can fetch me a white chocolate mocha with extra whipped cream!" Wesker ordered everyone, clapping his hands to get them to jump into action.

"What?" Ada snarled. "Get it your damn self, lazy bastard! Do I look like your maid?"

Wesker slapped a maid hat on her head. "Now you do!"

Mr. X clapped his hands together excitedly. "I love bursting through walls!"

Nemesis gasped. "What is it? A bird? A shadow? A mysterious rubber ducky?" He pointed to the top balcony of the main hall.

They all looked up to see a cloaked ninja leap off of the railing, using a grappling hook to swing down and around the lower level of the main hall. She was giggling maniacally. She whizzed right past Wesker, snatching his sunglasses and swinging back up to the second floor. She took off while waving the sunglasses around yelling something incoherent. She ran through a door and was gone. Wesker and the others just stood there, blinking in confusion. They could hear a cricket singing in the background for a moment.

Wesker's eye twitched in annoyance. "Was…that just a random ninja that stole my sunglasses?"

"It looked like it!" Ada chuckled.

"My eyes! They burn from the light!" Wesker cursed. He reached into his inner jacket pocket and removed another pair of sunglasses. He placed them on his gorgeous face and grinned evilly. "Hah! I always keep a spare! Now…uhh, Mr. X, get that random, nameless, ninja chick!"

Mr. X punched his knuckles together. "Ninja attack!"

The tyrant took off up stairs to follow after the runaway ninja. Wesker heaved a sigh, rubbing his temples because he could feel a headache coming on.

"Let's just get to our places everyone!"

"So, is this like a slumber party or something?" Bob asked, scratching his huge pyramid shaped helmet.

Wesker slapped himself in the forehead, growling in annoyance. "No, this is a mission of annihilation!"

"Oh…that sounds pretty serious."

"Ahhhhhh! It's a ZOMBIE!" Nemesis cried, pointing over at one of the doors. A zombie had just wandered into the main hall, moaning and walking like a drunk. The large tyrant dove behind a tall ceramic vase to hide himself.

Ada, Krauser and Nicholai took off running away from the rotting thing. Ada kicked out her leg and tripped Jack, who crashed to the floor and then the Russian tripped over his body and slammed to the floor as well. She started laughing at her evil success, but then tripped on her heels and fell face first to the floor.

"Hah! That's called karma!" Krauser yelled out.

The zombie was trying to chew on Pyramid Head's helmet. Bob just shook his head in annoyance. He tried to shoo the zombie off like it was a starving stray pet.

"Why are all the monsters out already? I told that strange, girly man to keep them locked up until Chris and the others arrived!" Wesker shouted.

More zombies were coming out, along with zombie dogs, Hunters, Lickers, and other BOWs. Wesker, Ada, Krauser and Nicholai took off through a door, running down a corridor to find a safe location, and leaving behind Bob and Nemesis. Wesker opened a door, and he was shoved forward by Krauser, Ada and Nicholai. They slammed the door shut and grew quiet.

"Holy moly, that was close!" Nicholai sighed.

"Wesker! You are a damn superhuman! Act like one! Rip the zombie's head off or something!" Ada scolded.

"That is incredibly too dirty for me to do. Besides, I need every zombie alive if I want Chris to fall into my trap!" Wesker chuckled. "Krauser, why don't you do it? You are evil and badass too!"

"You said destroy Leon, not kill zombies!" Krauser barked. "Make up your mind! I can only do one thing at a time!"

"Well, I have too many other things I have to do. I am the master manipulator, you know," Wesker stated.

"You are just too lazy, I think," Ada grumbled, looking away.

"I'm lazy? You sit around all day and drink my coffee and steal my muffins!" Wesker retorted, folding his arms.

"I can't help it! I like banana nut!"

"Control yourself woman!"

"At least I know how to take care of my arch enemies!" Ada argued.

Nicholai shook his head. "Oh boy…here we go…"

"That's it!" Wesker growled, stomping over to her.

"Hey! What are you doing, Wesker? I demand you put me down right now before I use my awesome lipstick missile to blow you up!"

Wesker was holding Ada above his head, looking as if he was going to throw her out the window or something. They heard more groaning, and realized the zombies were getting closer.

"Crap! They found us!" Nicholai grunted, biting his nails.

"They are gonna eat us!" Jack yelled.

"Relax, you two!" Wesker said, dropping Ada like a rag doll and walking over to the door. "Don't you hear the soothing music playing?"

Ada was grumbling dark words as she glared at Wesker's back, getting to her feet. Nicholai and Krauser listened for a moment, and then realized they could hear a soothing tune playing throughout the room.

"It's a save room! Yay! No enemies allowed!" Nicholai chortled, clapping his hands together excitedly.

"Exactly!"

The door was ripped open, and they all jumped. They realized the ninja had slipped in and slammed the door and was now breathing heavily while leaning against it. She suddenly perked up, noticing she wasn't alone. Wesker glared at her.

"Thief! You shall pay dearly for stealing my favorite pair of sunglasses!"

Before Wesker could move forward and snatch the female ninja, the whole wall exploded and Mr. X tackled Wesker to the floor in the ultimate sumo hug. The ninja's eyes grew wide, and then she was gone like the wind, yelling something about having to go to the bathroom.

"Grewt oofiu imfesule!" came the muffled words of Wesker under the huge tyrant.

Mr. X blinked in confusion, glancing up at Ada, Krauser and Nicholai. "What did he say?"

No one had time to answer the tyrant before Wesker used his superhuman strength to pick the tyrant up off of him and throw him through another wall. "I said get off you imbecile! You tackled the wrong person! Go get her now!"

"Yes sir! Sorry sir!" Mr. X cried, taking off in a hurry.

_Meanwhile…Chris and the others show up…_

"What is this?" Barry asked, scratching his head.

"Wow! What a mansion! It looks so darn familiar!" Chris laughed.

"Maybe I should check outside one more time," Jill sighed, reaching for the door.

Chris almost exploded. "Stop it! Don't open that door!"

"Why?" Jill asked, opening it.

Leon came rolling in 007 style, aiming his gun here and there. He was in a black suit and his hair remained perfect. "Duh duh dee duh!"

Rebecca came in afterwards, carrying a zombie dog puppy. Her eyes were wide, and cheeks tinted. The zombie puppy whimpered and was trying to chew on her arm. "IT'S SO CUTE! CAN I KEEP HIM? I will name him…Itchy!"

"Rebecca, how many times have we told you? We are not taking monsters home as pets!" Chris ordered.

"But Itchy is so cute! Look at him!" Rebecca defended.

"Ouch! That's my ankle!" Leon cried as the zombie puppy was ripping away at his leg. "But you are so freaking cute, I love you anyway!"

"Oh boy…" Jill heaved.

"Uhh…guys…this looks highly suspicious," Chris mumbled.

The team came to focus. Chris wasn't talking about the destruction in the main hall or the dead zombies. Nope, he was talking about a yummy looking sandwich that was attached to a fishing line. Barry's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and he dove for it.

"SANDWICH!"

He bit down on the sandwich, and the line was starting to draw him in. The group yelled out, grabbing Barry and fighting the reel of the line, but Barry would not let go of the sandwich.

"Barry! It's a trap! Let the sandwich go!"

"Nwerver!" came Barry's muffled voice as his teeth kept a tight hold on the sandwich.

"Somebody cut the line!" Jill called.

"Wait, wait…hold on a second," Rebecca grumbled, following the line to the set of double doors. She kicked the doors open. There was Rocko trying to reel Barry in with a fishing rod. The tyrant looked absolutely surprised and embarrassed. He dropped the fishing rod and started laughing.

"Hey guys! I wasn't doing anything evil! I made sandwiches! Go ahead! Have some!"

A belch was heard echoing throughout the main hall. The group looked to Barry, who was brushing crumbs off of his beard. "Don't mind if I do!" the older man laughed as he strolled into the dining room.

Chris stroked his chin, glaring at the dining room and the tyrant. "I don't know about this…something tells me it is a bad idea."

Leon came walking over, tears streaming down his face even though he was smiling broadly. Itchy was still eating on his leg, and Leon was forced to drag his leg along from the puppy's weight. "Relax! How bad can it be?"

They joined Barry in the dining room, each having a plate with a sandwich on it. Barry was already sitting down, and his sandwich was already half-gone. The others joined, Leon still trying to kick Itchy off.

"These are some awesome sandwiches…uhhh, what's your name?" Barry asked.

"Rocko!"

"Hey…aren't you the tyrant that impaled Wesker in the last huge mansion?" Chris grumbled.

Rocko's eye twitched and he started messing with his claws nervously. "Uhh, no…yes…I don't know…"

"Didn't we blow you up…with a Rocket Launcher?" Jill grumbled.

Rocko sighed. "Man, that was my cousin Philip. Don't you two know there were two tyrants? Duh!"

"So you _were _the tyrant that impaled Wesker!" Chris gasped.

"Meep!" Rocko gasped. "Wait I-"

"Cheers to Rocko for impaling Wesker!" the group cheered, raising up their glasses full of random, unknown drinks.

"Hip hip hooray!"

They started downing their drinks, and soon they realized their sandwiches were already gone off of their plates with only a few crumbs left behind. They blinked in confusion, looking all over. Barry belched again, smacking his lips with a napkin and patting his belly.

"BARRY! Those were our sandwiches!"

"I'm sorry! I have a disorder!"

"Wait a minute," Leon growled, growing serious, forgetting about the zombie dog pup that was still chewing on his bloody leg. "Why are we cheering for Rocko? When he impaled Wesker…he killed Wesker…thus awakening the virus that brought him back to life and giving him inhuman strength, speed, and senses."

"Hey! You gotta point there, Leon!" Rebecca gasped.

"Shh! What's that sound?" Jill asked. They all grew silent. They could hear some kind of rusted metal dragging along the tiled floor.

Their eyes widened. Chris screeched, jumping into Jill's arms. "It sounds scary!"

Itchy finally let go of Leon to run over to the closed double doors of the dining room. The Cerberus puppy barked madly, each bark making him hop off of the tiled floor like a toy poodle. The door burst open, missing the puppy and revealing the great Pyramid Head.

"Holy crap! What is that thing?" Leon grunted.

"Hello friends! I give free hugs!" Bob cheered, dropping his huge sword to open his arms.

"I LOVE HUGS!" Leon giggled.

"No, Leon! It's a trap!" Jill called.

"That's right! It is a trap!" Wesker cackled, walking into the dining room from behind Bob. He had Ada, Nicholai, Krauser, and Nemesis with him. "Any second now, all of you are gonna pass out from the drugs I had Rocko put in your drinks and sandwiches!"

"Auughhh…guys…I don't feel too good," Barry mumbled, turning green and sweaty.

"I knew you would be the first to fall for my master plan, Barry! You just cannot ignore a sandwich!"

"But what about our drinks? We drank our drinks! We are gonna die!" Rebecca cried, slapping her hands to her face in horror.

"Ahhh…boss…I have a confession…I forgot to put the drugs in their drinks. I figured there was no point since they would be in the sandwiches…Well, Barry ate all of their sandwiches."

Barry passed out, his head hitting the dinner plate and he started snoring. Wesker slapped his face with his hand, growling out. "You idiot! You know Barry is a freak when it comes to sandwiches! Alright, time for plan B!"

Jack's eyes widened. "ATTACK!"

"No, no! That is plan F!" Wesker called.

"No way, it was plan C!" Ada retorted. "Plan F was escape unharmed with our underwear intact!"

"Geez, Ada that was plan Q!" Nicholai put in. "Plan B is take them hostage!"

"I'm confused! I thought plan B was trick them into a room with a moose?" Nemesis asked, scratching his bald head.

"What does a moose have to do with anything?" Bob asked. "I need to hug something or I am gonna start killing everything!"

"Forget about the hugs!" Ada barked. "If we combine plans B, C, Z, S, and Y we should surely succeed."

"What's plan Z?" Wesker growled. "I never planned plan Z!"

"Well, I did because I knew you were gonna screw up!" Ada replied, smirking and folding her arms. "That's right! I'm the shit!"

"You took a shit?" Rocko grumbled. "What are you talking about?"

"Everyone shut up! They are getting away!" Wesker yelled.

Chris and his team had left the dining room and were running for it; well save for Barry who was still snoring loudly. His henchmen leaped into action, running into each other and then splitting up to go after them. Wesker stayed behind with Ada in the dining room. He heaved a sigh. "So much for my foolproof plan."

"Woof woof!"

Wesker looked down, seeing the Cerberus puppy looking up at him and wagging its decomposed tail. Its tongue was hanging out and the zombie pup just looked so happy staring up at Wesker.

"Shoo!"

"Aw! The little zombie puppy likes you!" Ada laughed. "You know, maybe he could be some used to us. I mean, he was chewing on Leon's leg."

"I deal with enough crazy animals…namely Krauser and the tyrants. Now shoo you little mongrel!" Wesker used his boot to push the puppy across the floor. The zombie puppy whimpered as it slid across the tile.

"Chris! Where are you?" came a female voice.

Wesker and Ada spun, as the doors to the dining room were still open and they could see into the main hall. Wesker smirked evilly as he saw Claire looking around the main hall. She scratched her head, looking confused.

"I swear if he is partying with the others without me I am gonna stuff him in the washer machine!" she grumbled.

"Dear heart!" Wesker yelled happily, making Claire jump and spin around. "I can kidnap you and lure Chris! My foolproof plan is back in action!"

"What?" Claire asked. "Ada? What is going on?"

"Oh the usual. Wesker has evil plan, Chris is in the process of thwarting it, and soon Wesker will be plotting again and throwing evil temper tantrums."

"So…where is my brother?"

"He is being chased by Bob and Rocko!"

"…Who?"

Wesker heaved a sigh. "Evil Executioner of Doom and Tyrant Number 1."

"Oh, okay," Claire said, nodding.

"So, please let me take you easily or I will be forced to…taking you forcefully!" Wesker called. He started walking over to Claire.

His leg was caught. Wesker felt teeth bite down on his ankle with muffled growls. He yelped, looking down to see Itchy gnawing on his leg. He kicked the puppy off and kept towards Claire, who got an umbrella and whacked him in the head.

"Stay away from me!"

"Oh an umbrella! The irony!" Ada laughed from behind Wesker.

Before Wesker could snap something at his sidekick, something slammed into his back, throwing him face first onto the tiled floor. Claire had jumped out of the way in time, and was gaping in surprise.

"It's that ninja girl!" Ada called.

Wesker got to his feet just as the ninja jumped off of him. She withdrew a secret weapon. It was a ball of yarn. She tossed it up and down in her hand, smirking at Wesker with twinkling mischievous eyes. Wesker had no idea who the ninja was; the partial mask covered most of her face.

"No! Don't do it!" he called. "You took my sunglasses! What else do ya want?"

She tossed the ball of yarn, and then turned to Claire. "Run for it!"

"But what about Ada?" Claire gasped. "She is gonna come after us…never mind; she is just laughing at Wesker! Let's go!"

The ninja and Claire escaped. Wesker dove for the ball of yarn, giggling like a kid. Ada shook her head, sighing out loud.

"Dammit! She distracted me! Ada, why didn't you do anything?" Wesker grumbled.

"Yeah, you get to dive after a thrown ball of yarn, and you expect me to go after them?"

Hunk came running out of nowhere, rushing around them and screaming. Wesker and Ada watched him for a moment as he run around in circles. Itchy barked and chased him.

"Hunk! What is the matter?" Wesker asked.

"It's gonna blow!" Hunk cried, and then rushed out of the mansion

"Good! Then Chris can get blown up!" Wesker cackled.

"You fool! We are gonna get blown up too!" Ada yelled. "Let's get out of here!"

Ada got on her walky-talky. "Everyone stop the madness! The mansion is gonna blow! Get out!"

Barry suddenly rushed past Wesker totally naked and giggling madly. He busted down the front door and was gone. Wesker went to follow Ada out of the escape, but his leg was caught by the zombie puppy again.

"You cur! I'm not gonna get blown up!"

_Boom! Dramatic explosion scene ensues…_

Wesker was still standing, completely black from fire and debris. He was smoking from the heat. His sunglasses were broken, and his red eyes were twitching in annoyance. He coughed out a black cloud of smoke. He glared down at the zombie puppy, who was on fire. Itchy barked sweetly up at him, hiking his leg and peeing on Wesker's leg.

Wesker left the ruins, Itchy following right behind him with a wagging, burning tail. He found his henchmen, Chris, and the others all sitting around a campfire having some roasted marshmallows and beer.

"Alright Boss! You made it!" Bob laughed, grabbing Wesker and crushing him into a hug.

"Let me go!"

Pyramid Head sat the superhuman down, shaking his huge helmet. "Tsk, tsk…somebody is grumpy! Have a beer and some marshmallows!"

"I got blown up! How can you be surprised that I am grumpy?" Wesker growled.

"That's another point for Team Chris!" Chris cackled, giving Jill a high five. "How long has it been since Team Wesker got a point, hmm?"

"I will destroy you!" Wesker yelled, pointing at Chris. "But not right now, I want a beer."

Bob used his helmet as a bottle opener and handed his boss a beer. Wesker sat around the campfire with his henchmen and enemies. "Oi…I need a vacation," he mumbled.

"Hey…what happened to that random ninja chick?" Nicholai asked, scratching his head.

"She just…disappeared!" Leon yelled. "She was like…like a cat!"

"I have a feeling she will be back," Ada sighed, folding her arms.

"Can somebody please get this puppy off of my head?" Nemesis sighed, watching as Itchy chewed on his skull.

Wesker felt his eye twitched again. _Always…surrounded…by…idiots…need…vacation!_

* * *

**A/N: Now that was a much longer chapter! I had so much fun writing this chapter as well! :) There were many parts that came from other shows...like the room with a moose came from Invader Zim, hahaha I wonder if you all can find them! Ultimolu that was you as the random ninja chick! I hope I portrayed you well! If you want me to add anything else, just PM me! If anyone else wants in on this fic let me know! ;) I hope all of you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did! Thanks for all that have reviewed so far! I really appreciate it! Thank you! XD**


	4. Chapter 4: The Not So Secret Vacation

**Chapter 4: The Not So Secret Vacation**

Wesker sat in his chair of doom going through the vacation spots he was trying to figure out. His control room of evil was destroyed. In fact, when he, Ada, and the henchmen got home, they found his headquarters in ruin with Steve in Hulk form and Sherry giggling and kicking people. She was up way past her bedtime eating snacks and watching violent cartoons. Wesker was so proud of her! Steve had to work double overtime without pay to clean up the mess he caused while he was a hulking, green monster…thing. It was coming along slowly, but Wesker hoped that it would be done by the time he got back from his vacation. He was trying to keep it a secret. The last thing he needed was for his henchmen to find out and be jealous and start whining about wanting to go.

Wesker heard a hiss and then a bark, and tore his gaze from the huge computer screen down to the floor. Skittles the hairless cat was swiping at Itchy, the zombie dog puppy. Wesker had no idea how Itchy followed them home. He could have sworn he stuffed the puppy in Chris's pack a few nights ago.

_Hmm, which place sounds better? The Bahamas? Or Hawaii? I think it is gonna have to be the Bahamas!_

Grinning, Wesker brought up the Bahamas page to get his tickets. He went to take a bite out his banana nut muffin, but found it gone. His eyes widened, noticing his coffee was jacked too.

"Whatcha doing?" Ada asked, munching down on the muffin and slurping on coffee.

"I am not trying to pick out a vacation spot!" Wesker defended.

"Oh me Gawd! You are picking out a vacation spot?" Ada gasped, chocking on the nut of the banana nut muffin.

"I just said I wasn't!" Wesker squealed, trying to go back on the website and found that the Internet had suddenly became slow.

"LIAR! You always admit to something you are doing! Look! There is the website for the Bahamas! You are going to the Bahamas? Take me with you!"

"This is just for me!" Wesker growled.

"But I do everything around here! And I am still sane while working with all you sociopaths! I deserve a vacation!" Ada argued.

"VACATION?"

Wesker slapped his hand to his face, glowering at Ada as Nicholai, Sherry, Pyramid Head, Krauser, and the tyrants came running over to join them. Ada grinned down at him, crumbling up the muffin cover and stuffing it into Wesker's breast pocket.

"No vacation for any of you! This is just for me! I need to get away from all you stupid maniacs!" Wesker yelled.

"Aww, don't be like Squidward, boss!" Bob whined.

"Yeah, don't be like Squidward!" Rocko, Nemesis, and Mr. X agreed in unison.

Nicholai eased over to Krauser to whisper in his ear. "Who the hell is Squidward?"

Krauser shrugged, picking his nose. "Sounds like some guy I used to play poker with."

"Wait! What time is it?" Wesker gasped, checking his watch. "No! God damn it, I missed my appointment with the gecko again!"

"You call yourself a god…does that mean you are damning yourself?" Rocko asked in confusion, scratching his head with his huge talon.

"What gecko?" Ada scoffed.

"That cute little Geico gecko!" Wesker grumbled. "Duh! I was supposed to be saving 15% or more on car insurance."

Ada rolled her eyes. "Can we just get back to arguing about vacation?"

"I SAID NO!"

The tyrants slumped their shoulders. Nemesis started sniffling, wiping at his eye with a tentacle. Pyramid Head patted him on the shoulder. "There there, pal. Do you need a hug?"

"Bob, stop asking people for hugs! It's fucking creepy!" Krauser barked.

"Oh, is someone a grumpy bear?" Pyramid Head snickered. "Let me come over and hug you!"

Pyramid Head walked over to Krauser, arms spread to grab the soldier into a big, bear hug. Krauser's eyes went wide, and he threw his arm back and punched Bob right in the helmet. The sound of bone cracking echoed through the control room.

"Fuck! Ouch!" Krauser yelped, holding his now disfigured hand.

Bob sighed. "Yeah, nice thinking there, dumbass. Let's punch the big, metal helmet out of defense!"

Krauser was muttering every cuss word in the book. Out of smite, Sherry came over and kicked him in the groin. Krauser fell to the ground and started wailing, only for Itchy to run over and start eating his ankle.

"Wow, someone should get him to the infirmary!" Nicholai called.

"Oh me! I will! I have great bedside manners!" Mr. X giggled, running over and picking Krauser up. The tyrant was quick on his way to go deliver the crying man. Itchy was still dangling from Krauser's ankle.

"Why did that sound so wrong?" Ada sighed.

"All of you are giving me a headache! I am the only one getting a vacation so shoo! All of you!"

"Albert Eliot Wesker! If you don't take me with you to the Bahamas I will use my awesome, sexy spy skills to find you down there and make you miserable!"

Wesker winced at hearing his full name.

"Oh my God! You're middle name is Eliot?" Bob howled. He started busted out laughing along with Nemesis, Rocko, and Nicholai.

"I can fire you! So, don't you try and threaten me, woman!" Wesker retorted, glaring at Ada and standing up from his chair. He puffed out his chest. "Besides! I am one badass super villain with superpowers, and I can snap you in half!"

"Damn it, Wesker! I had to work with Luis in Spain!" Ada snarled.

"Well, you do have a good point…poor sap got killed by a penis…and you had to witness it…not that it was all that horrific…more funny than anything…I really need to pick up some peanut butter…what was I saying?" Wesker scratched his head. "Oh yeah, I guess you can tag along so long as you stay out of my business…unless you know…we will be mixing pleasure with business, yes?"

Ada glared at him. "Did you just hit on me?"

"No…."

"What about us?" Rocko cried.

"Uncle Albert, I demand you to take me to the Bahamas or I will kick you in the nuts!" Sherry wailed. "I want to swim with the DOLPHINS!"

"That's my girl! You always threaten to get what you want! You can come, sweet pea!" Wesker laughed.

"Ahem!" Bob snorted.

"I can't take you monstrosities with me! You will attract the X-Files, damn it! Sorry, but no can do!"

"Dummy, you can just say that we are out there for a ahh…a convention! Yeah, a convention!" Nemesis suggested.

"COSPLAY!" Bob squealed, clapping his hands together.

"Will there be goats?" Nicholai asked, and then quickly shook his head. "I mean…uhhh…babies to steal candy from?"

"What is it with you and goats?" Bob asked, shaking his giant, metal helmet.

"What is it with you and hugs?" Nicholai growled.

Bob spread his arms. "I give the greatest hugs, I am telling you! If you guys would just give me a chance, you will just love getting a hug from me! It's like Barney! Only I'm not a purple dinosaur on crack!"

Nicholai slinked back. "Russians don't do hugs!"

"Oh, yeah! You guys like to kiss the cheeks! Well, sorry, my lips are buried underneath this pyramid helmet."

"That's fine, really…thank God," Nicholai mumbled.

"But I can do this!" Pyramid Head laughed. He went over to the Russian, his helmet slamming home in Nicholai's face and knocking him out cold. He crumbled to the floor, and Bob stared down at him. "Oops…I came on too strong…I was just going to tap him with the edge of my helmet…you know like a peck or something…wow, I do not know my own strength!"

Carlos came out of the shadows, running over to the out cold Nicholai and started slapping his face. "Yeah! In your face, asshole!" He then disappeared into the shadows and was gone.

"O….kay…where were we?" Ada mumbled, scratching her temple.

"Where's Skittles?" Wesker gasped, looking around.

"Meow!" Skittles called, prancing up to his owner.

"Holy crap! That rat just sounded like a cat!" Rocko gasped.

"Really? I thought snails meowed?" Nemesis asked, scratching his disfigured head.

"Alright, all of you…except Steve…"

"DAMMIT!" Steve wailed from the shadows while scrubbing the floor with Wesker's toothbrush.

"Can come along on the trip." Wesker hushed them before they could cheer out. "You will still act as my henchmen and do as I say! You follow my rules, as I am the supreme ruler here, and stay out of my "me" time…except for Claire I mean Jill I mean Ada on occasions…Do I make myself clear?"

"YES!" They all yelled in unison and then started cheering.

"Wait…did you say Claire's name? And Jill's?" Ada asked.

"NOPE! I did not! I will order the tickets right now!"

Ada glared at him suspiciously as he sat back down in his chair of doom and ordered the tickets.

* * *

"Boss! Why do I have to carry everything?" Rocko whined.

"Because you stabbed me through the gut and I hate you! Don't make me get the whip out, now move along!"

"Why are we riding on a normal plane when you have like three personal jets?" Ada grumbled.

"Because I didn't want all of you hooligans eating peanuts and spilling wine on my luxurious upholstery!" Wesker snapped. "Be happy that you are even coming along, wench!"

"Did you just call me a wench?"

"I said honey!"

"At least we get first class!" Nicholai chuckled, as they moved to get their seats.

"Damn it, my head can't fit through the door!" Bob wailed, his helmet stuck between the door frame to their section.

"Sir, why don't you just take the helmet off during the flight?" A pretty flight attendant asked.

"Because this is a torture device you moron! It's been stuck on my head for an eternity! Besides, if I somehow was to get it off, I have the face of a demon that would make your boobs explode!"

The flight attendant fled for it. Wesker rolled his eyes, sitting down next to Ada. "Nemesis, give him a nice shove will ya? And Bob, please be discreet on why your helmet must stay on."

"NFL TACKLE!" Nemesis boomed, and slammed into Bob's back.

The helmet broke through the frame, and both Pyramid Head and Nemesis fell to the floor. They got up, brushed themselves off, and found their seats.

No sooner had Wesker and his gang found their seats, did more people start to enter into the first class. Wesker smelled sandwiches…and stupidity. Groaning, he looked over to see Chris and his followers.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Wesker snarled.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" Chris grumbled, stomping over to Wesker.

"I am trying to go to the Bahamas to have a nice, relaxing vacation! Stop stalking me, Chris!"

Jill popped up on Chris's other side. Barry was with her, munching on a hoagie sandwich. Jill beamed down at him. "Bahamas? No way! We are taking vacation there!"

Wesker slapped himself in the forehead again. "I knew I should have picked Hawaii!"

"Well, I guess this means we will have to be civil with each other for now, huh? Enjoy our vacations and ignore each other and then after it is all over we can kill each other!" Chris exclaimed. "Super exciting!" He then saw the flight attendant coming out with a rolling tray of hot food. "Food! And booze! Yes!"

Chris was gone in a heartbeat. Wesker rolled his eyes, watching as Chris's followers found their seats. The dumb agent, Leon, walked by him, talking about Bigfoot, and then was closely followed by Claire.

Wesker leaned his head over to get a better view of Claire's behind, only to be knocked in the head with a stiletto heel. "Ouch! That freaking hurt! Look! I'm bleeding…oh wait…never mind it healed."

"I saw that!" Ada snapped briskly.

"What? She had the nicest pair of American Eagle jeans on!"

"Oh yeah, jeans compared to me wearing skimpy dresses all the time!" Ada retorted. She rolled the magazine up that she was reading and swatted at him like a naughty puppy. "You better knock it off, or pray that your balls can heal like your wounds can!"

Wesker gulped. "You can't intimidate me!"

"_Attention, passengers! We are about to take off. Please enjoy your flight to the Bahamas. I hope it will be nice and relaxing, but knowing that the pilot is drunk, it might be a little bumpy! Let me quickly remind you of the rules one more time. No bombs, no shampoo, no gum, no cell phones or laptops on if we end up crashing into the ocean, no pets, no fighting, no food fighting, no sexting, no flirting with me, if we end up crashing onto a strange, uncharted island let us be wary of black smoke monsters, no drugs, and no snakes on the plane! That is all, thank you!"_

"Black…smoke…monsters?" Wesker chuckled. "How absurd!"

"It sounds menacing!" Mr. X cried, chewing on his nails.

Wesker plugged in some earplugs to tune out all the noises. He didn't want to deal with Chris and his gang, let alone his own annoying henchmen right now. He just wanted to get to the Bahamas so he could start enjoying his vacation.

* * *

"I'm so lonely…Mr. Lonely…I have nobody…" Steve sang, letting his voice echo through the empty rooms. He sighed, growing quiet. He then perked up. "Wait! I got Skittles and Itchy! Hey, come here guys!"

There only came chirping from a cricket. "Ah man! They somehow snuck into Wesker's bags and went with him! I really am all alone! I won't be able to clean up this mess I made by myself before they come back! So…what am I going to do?" He stood quiet thinking for a really long time. "Oh hell yeah! I get the computer and the TV all to myself! Action League NOW is on! Yipee! I should go watch!"

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the delay on this chapter, lol. And sorry for it being kind of short! So now we are heading to the Bahamas! Yay! There were, again, many things from other shows like Lost...that's the black smoke monster haha. Anyways, hope all of you enjoyed this short chapter! Next chapter should be much longer! :) Thanks for reading and reviewing! XD**


	5. Chapter 5: Awkward Landing

**Chapter 5: Awkward Landing**

The plane had barely been in the air for an hour before everyone in first class was already trying to kill each other. The flight attendants not only had to revive a drunken pilot once or twice, but they had to break up dust ball fights between Chris and Wesker and Nicholai and Carlos. The tyrants and Bob were playing card games, and Leon was having an argument with himself with his reflection in the glass window. And while Barry was trying to make a sandwich out of peanuts and Styrofoam, Rebecca was pretending to squish heads by looking at them between her fingers.

Wesker was restless. There was nothing to do. Ada sat beside him, nearest to the window reading a magazine. He was twitching a lot, but Ada didn't seem to notice as she read the fashion magazine. He really, really wanted to read that magazine. Wesker tried to think of something suave to say to trick her into giving him the magazine.

He pointed out of the window of the plane. "Look Ada! Prada!"

Her eyes bulged out as she dropped the magazine, slapping her face to the window. "WHERE?"

"Haha, sucker!" Wesker chuckled triumphantly. He started flipping through the magazine with a wide grin on his face.

"You jerk! That's mine!" Ada growled, trying to swipe the magazine.

Wesker moved his hands away from hers each time. "You mean 'was'. I'm the boss and I want the magazine! File your nails or something!"

She glared hard at him. "Fine, I am going to listen to my mp3 so I can ignore you!"

"Fine!" Wesker barked.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Ada grew quiet once her headphones were in. Wesker started flipping through the pages again, but soon something caught his attention through his peripheral vision. He looked out of the window, and his eyes widened as he saw a green and yellow dinosaur costume standing on the wing of the plane.

"Holy shit! It's Dinky the Dinosaur!"

Everyone looked at him as if he was crazy. Wesker slapped Ada and pointed. She looked out the window, but there was nothing there. Sighing, she turned back to him. "Is there a problem?" "It was Dinky! I swear!" Wesker barked, still pointing out the window.

"Dinky? Who the hell is that?"

"He's a guy in a dinosaur costume!"

"And…?"

"He's gonna eat me! Well, he can't because he is just a costume, but still, he is after me!"

"Why?"

"I have a gambling problem. He is one of the casino bosses! They say if you owe him a lot of money, he comes and kill you as Dinky the Dinosaur!"

Ada rolled her eyes. "Just impale him with your super duper hand thrust or something."

"Well…I could do that…"

"It's not like he exists anyways," Ada snorted. "You must have drank the plane's cranberry juice! You're hallucinating! No one can be on the wing of the plane while we are ten thousand feet in the air going 200 mph!"

Leon passed by their seats still arguing with himself to go into the bathroom. Wesker thought Ada's words over. She did have a point. No more cranberry juice for him. He just thought it would help his urinary tract infection. Not that anyone of you guys would want to know that.

Wesker saw that Claire was now sitting by herself since Leon was in the bathroom. He looked over to Chris, who was busy snoring and drooling on Jill's shoulder as she read a book. Smirking, the super villain got up out of his seat and slunk over to sit next to Claire.

Her eyes widened, and she glanced up from her cranberry juice that she was busy sucking through a straw. "Yes?" she mumbled.

"What's up?" Wesker asked.

"Are you planning on kidnapping me again?" Claire sighed.

"No! I just want to talk!"

"Okay. So my friend calls me up and starts telling me that her boyfriend cheated on her and I was like 'well girl, you gotta castrate him', and she was like 'but I want a baby from him, that would never work', and I was like 'girlfriend, there are plenty fish in the sea, most with decent sperm', and she was like 'sperm doesn't matter right now, I want someone who will stick around and who likes cereal', and I was like 'what the hell does cereal do with anything?' I swear you should have heard her voice, she was so mad about me talking bad about cereal! She was like 'Claire, cereal rocks but my dog needs to go to the bathroom right now so I will ttyl!' So then I was like 'alright, girl, you get over your cheating boyfriend who likes cereal and go take your dog for a walk'. Strange conversation wouldn't you agree?"

Wesker blinked. "…What?"

The door to the bathroom shot open, and Leon stood in the doorway with a grin and sighed out loud. "I am relieved!"

Leon walked over to Wesker and Claire, only to find Wesker in his seat. He glared down at the villain. Wesker jerked his thumb back at Ada, who had reclaimed her magazine and was still listening to her music. "Ada needs some company."

"ADA!" Leon bellowed, diving over the chairs to get to her.

"Anyways, where were we?" Wesker asked, turning back to her.

"You had an evil plan to jump off of this plane and fall to your death," Claire stated, taking a slurp of her cranberry juice.

"That's right, I need to…hey, that isn't very nice."

"And why do you have Sherry? Did you kidnap her too? What's wrong with you?" Claire growled.

"She's one of my minions!"

"And Steve? What did you do with him?"

"He's my maid!" Wesker laughed. "Oh, the poor sap gets all the nasty jobs at my lair of evil!"

Chris suddenly woke up from dreaming about Jill in a bikini. "My brotherly senses are tingling!"

"Actually it's this pepper. I was hoping this would wake you up," Jill answered, sitting the pepper to the side.

Chris sneezed. "Holy snickerdoodle! Wesker is talking my sister up like she is a fine wine!"

"Actually, I think she is handling herself just fi-"

"I will save you, dear sister!" Chris said in a heroic voice. He jumped onto his seat, stepping right on Jill's stomach to jump down and run across the aisle. "Wesker! Get away from my sister!"

"What?" Wesker groaned. "Will you go away? We are having a nice talk right now. Can't you go back and drool on Jill some more?"

Claire rolled her eyes as Chris huffed himself up like a gorilla. "I'm gonna say it again, Wesker! Step away from the sister!"

"The sister?" Wesker chuckled.

Chris pulled out a Louisville Slugger from his pocket. Yeah, that's right. His pocket. He slammed the thing down on top of Wesker's head. The bat broke right in half, splinters flying and the base falling to the floor. Chris blinked in shock, looking at the thing.

"What are you trying to insinuate exactly?" Wesker sighed, pulling a chip of wood from his hair.

"GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER DAMMIT!"

"Alright, alright. Don't be surprised if I decide to kidnap her at a later date for my evil purposes."

Wesker walked back down to his seat, grabbing Leon and throwing him a few seats down. He sat down, where Ada proceeded to turn and face him with a glare. "Did you have fun flirting?"

"Are you jealous?" Wesker grinned. "I know I have godly good looks and personality, but really Ada you can hold back a little."

"You need to pull your ego out of your ass," Ada growled, going back to her magazine.

"H-hey! Look! It's Dinky again!"

"Not buying it, Wesker," Ada replied.

"No look! He's stripping!"

"Are you sick in the head? Go bug Chris or something."

"Oh jeez! It's that freaking ninja girl! She's Dinky!"

"Ninja girl?"

"The one who had the obsession with my sunglasses!" Wesker cried, still pointing at the little window. "She's back for more!"

"Wesker, it isn't possible for her to be-"

One of the engine's blew in the plane, smoke immediately billowing out and the plane shuttering. Bob's cards went everywhere, and so did Hunk's illegal guns that he blackmailed the pilot for him to allow. Flight attendants started screaming, running into each other and trying to text their boyfriends.

"She just threw a damn frag grenade into the engine!" Wesker yelled.

"What a psycho! She's gonna kill us!" Ada shouted, dropping the magazine.

"Does anyone know how to fly a plane? The pilot is too drunk! And this is an emergency!" A flight attendant called.

"I can fly a plane!" Chris called, waving his arm. "Just give me some steroids first as payment!"

"Chris!" Jill hissed.

"Where the hell did you learn how to fly?" Carlos asked.

"The military duh! Oh and Donkey Kong!"

"Donkey Kong isn't even a flying game you idiot!" Barry shouted.

"Well…I guess we are going to die," Rocko muttered, letting his cards fall from his clawed hands. He started balling, and Nemesis patted him on the back.

"All of you guys are going to die, but not me!" Wesker snickered, pointing at them. "Ahh, it's great having super powers!"

They ran up into the tiny cockpit to help Chris out. Leon saw a large shiny red button and his eyes grew wide. His palms became sweaty and he became twitchy.

"Leon? What's wrong?" Claire asked.

"I gotta push that button!" Leon shouted, slapping it. "It's so big and round and red! Like a clown's nose!"

_The self-destruct sequence has been activated. Please jump out of the plane and hope you survive the fall…_

"Are you shitting me?" Jill yelled. "What doesn't have a freaking self-destruct system?"

"Mayday! We are sooooooo going down!" Chris yelled.

Pyramid Head spread his arms wide. "Group hug! We are all going to die miserably!"

"Hey! We are heading straight for an island! We can check 'Die by being eaten by sharks' off of the list!" Mr. X yelled, pointing out of the windshield.

"Curse you, Ninja Girl!" Wesker hollered, shaking his fist.

The plane crashed into the earth, sliding and sliding and taking out trees and wildlife on the way. Everyone was thrown into each other and things as it slid and jolted and finally came to a halt. Once it was at a standstill, a silence took over while everyone just laid there hurting and groaning.

_The plane has now landed neatly with a comfortable stop. You may now exit the plane. Three minutes until detonation…_

Wesker's group, Chris's group along with the few flight attendants, drunk pilot, and few other passengers bailed from the plane and barely got far enough before it exploded and went up in more flames.

"Well…at least we have our SOS," Jill sighed.

Wesker glared, turning to Chris. He didn't realize a strand of his hair was on fire and burning. "That was very poor quality flying! This is all your fault!"

"My fault? You are the one who is high and seeing dinosaurs and ninjas!"

"She threw a frag grenade into the engine! I saw it!" Wesker defended.

"Yeah," Chris snorted, "And I am that guy from that weird movie! You can't just push the blame on someone else!"

"Boys, boys! Settle down!" Ada called.

"Oh my God! Ada, Claire, and Rebecca are the only women here! We are going to have to repopulate the human population!" Leon cried.

"We're on an island, jackass. Nice try," Claire growled, folding her arms.

"Do you think help will come?" Rebecca asked.

"It better or we might just end up dinner to an uncivilized tribe with laser pistols and party masks!" Bob cried.

"Oh no! What if we can't find any food? Will we have to eat each other?" Rocko asked, gulping and picking at his claws nervously.

"I call dibs on Nemesis! He has a lot of dark meat!" Nicholai laughed.

"Mmm, tyrant and dumplings sound good to me!" Leon bellowed.

HUNK cocked one of his recovered weapons. He aimed the machine gun at Nemesis. "Can I kill him, boss?"

Wesker held up his hand. "Not right now. Maybe later."

"Let's just focused on getting what we can from the plane's leftovers and start working on shelters and food. We are going to have to work together," Jill explained.

"Some vacation this is turning out to be!" Wesker growled. "I'll be lucky if I ever get to the Bahamas now!"

"That makes two of us!" Chris retorted, jabbing a finger into Wesker's chest. "I ought to…to….beat you up or something."

Wesker grabbed Chris by the throat and hurled him way out into the ocean. He dusted his hands off afterwards, looking to everyone else. "Does anyone else want to beat me up?"

"Oh man! I'm so hungry! I haven't eaten for days!" Barry cried, trying to eat a leaf from a nearby plant.

"Barry, chill out! You just ate five minutes ago before the plane crashed!" Claire hollered.

"Hey, Wesker look! It's Itchy! How did he get here?" Ada shouted, pointed.

They all saw the zombie dog puppy running towards them with a rat tail sticking out of his mouth.

Wesker slapped his forehead. "That dang puppy must have snuck into my suitcase! And look! He caught a rat for us to eat!"

"Uhh, Uncle…I think that is Skittles' tail," Sherry muttered.

Sure enough when Wesker opened the puppy's mouth, he wailed out. "Oh no! Skittles! My naked cat is gone! You ate him you wild animal!"

Itchy whimpered, lowering his head and wagging his bony tail.

Wesker covered his eyes. "I'm not looking at your puppy pout! Scram!"

Itchy ran straight over to Leon and chomped down on his foot.

"Ouch! Let go!"

"Aww, he likes you!" Claire laughed.

Chris had finally made it back over to them from the beach, soaked to the bone and very angry looking. Wesker snickered at him while Chris was wringing out his clothes. Jill heaved another sigh, shaking her head.

"Alright, now can we please all focus? We need to get to work on getting a camp set up."

"Yeah! It will be like Gilligan's Island! This is gonna rock!" Nemesis shouted excitedly, throwing his arms into the air.

"Yes, let's get to work. And when I find that Ninja Girl! I'm…gonna…do something evil! I'm just so angry right now that I can't think of what! But it will be something evil!" Wesker growled, looking into the woods.

* * *

**A/N: Who saw that coming? :) I didn't lol. It was a last minute descision to make them crash! Ultimolu you are so evil! Why did you do it? Oh, and sorry if this chapter seems so random. I was really tired when I wrote this lol. My favorite part was when Chris broke the Louisville Slugger over Wesker's head. XD Anyways, hope all of you enjoyed this chapter! Don't worry, they will get to the Bahamas eventually! Tee-hee! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews on this story so far! You guys rock! :)**


	6. Chapter 6: Strangers in the Night

**Chapter 6: Strangers in the Night**

Two days had passed since the plane had crash landed on the island. The two groups had stuck mostly together, trying to build shelters and find food. Their main source of food was coconuts, fish, some strange berries, various bugs, and rodents. Leon was good at climbing and falling out of trees to forage for the fruit. Ada made all the men adore her by her awesome fishing skills. Rebecca wailed out a shrieking war cry before using a stick to beat down crawling bugs. At the moment, it was night, and only the bright stars and moon gave them enough light as Wesker tried his hand at making a campfire.

"This is horrendous! I cannot live like this!" Wesker yelled, eye twitching as he tried to start the fire. "How did the cavemen do it?"

"Let's call up the cavemen who do the Geico commercials all the time and ask them!" Bob chuckled; he was building a sand castle on the beach.

"We need to repopulate the human race, I'm telling you! We are the last ones! Claire, Ada, and Rebecca are the only women capable!" Leon shouted.

He was slammed in the head by Jill's fist. "Why do you keep forgetting to add me to the list of women you jerk?"

"Because Chris already called dibs on you!"

Chris eyes widened, choking on the coconut juice and quickly made himself as small as possible. He slinked away from the group just as Jill blew up even more and started hunting for him.

"Will you all calm down? We are not the last of the human population," Ada sighed, reading a half burned magazine she had saved from the plane.

"Yeah but if no one comes to find us here on the island, we could be stuck here forever! We will have to make our own tribe with a leader and poking each other with sticks and everything!" Barry cried. He then let out a sorrowful wail, throwing his fish bones and coconut shells down that he was trying to make a sandwich out of. "I need a damn sandwich! I'm having withdrawals!"

"We are going to have to find a wider range of food," sighed Rebecca. "I am going to die if I have to eat anymore bugs, or berries that make you have to go number two right away!"

They all blinked at her. Rebecca's eyes grew wide. "Well, they do!"

Chris snapped his fingers. "I know! Since it is night, I can gather a hunting party and go deeper into the jungle to see if we can find anything better for food! I'm a genius!"

"I hope you perish in there," Wesker chuckled. "So, who will your hunting party be made of?"

"Hmm," Chris sighed, rubbing his chin in thought and glancing around the two groups. "I can use Sherry as bait…let's see…the Tyrants can hunt pretty well…"

He tried to ignore Leon's flailing arm as the excited young man tried to get Chris to choose him too. Chris went onward through the group. "How about Nicholai and Hunk too?"

"I'm in! I like killing things!" HUNK giggled.

"One time I went to a convention and met Solid Snake there…or was it Naked Snake?" Nicholai began.

"No, no I think it was Liquid Snake," HUNK sighed.

"No, it was Solidous, duh!"

"Liquidous?"

"Oh whatever, whichever Snake it was taught me the Snake Eater game, and so I can hunt very well and eat raw animals! Isn't that wonderful?" Nicholai chuckled.

"Great! That can come in handy!" Chris laughed, jumping up and down. He then glared down at Wesker. "Are you ever going to get that fire going or what?"

"Shut up! I almost got it!" Wesker retorted. He tried and tried, but still no flame. Finally, Sherry came over to him and pulled out a lighter. "What the hell? Where'd you get this?"

"I found it in the remains of the plane. It works!" Sherry giggled.

Wesker's eye twitched again. "I've been sitting here for over an hour trying to get this campfire going and you kept this to yourself?"

"Yep!"

"You're grounded!"

Sherry started crying, running off to join Chris as he gathered the hunting party. He counted the heads in his small group. There was Sherry, Mr. X, Rocko, Nemesis, HUNK, and Nicholai, as well as himself. He gave a thumbs up to the others.

"Alright! Jill's in charge! We will be back if we haven't been eaten by some crazy monster hiding in the jungle!"

"Take care!" Claire called, waving.

"I wanted to go!" Leon pouted.

"I did it! I'm the master of all fire!" Wesker cackled, raising his arms triumphantly into the air.

Ada gave him a dull look. "You had a lighter do it for you, dummy."

"You're right," Wesker sighed, shoulders sagging. "I was not meant to be a caveman in my life."

"Can we please cook Itchy?" Barry sighed. "I'm starving!"

"No one is laying a hand on cute little Itchy!" Rebecca demanded.

"Yeah, besides, he is a rotting zombie dog! How nutritious can he be?" Leon snorted.

Barry started crying again, reaching over to grab a large fish head that he had been talking to since they first caught some fish. "It's alright Bob! We will get more food!"

"But I'm not hungry," Pyramid Head said as he finished up his sand castle.

"Not you! I meant Fish Head Bob! Oh I know, Bob! I know! We are surrounded by idiots!"

"O…kay," Wesker sighed, getting to his feet and dusting himself off. He started to head off away from the others but soon he realized the women were following him. He stopped, looking behind him. Jill, Claire, Ada, and Rebecca pretended that he wasn't there.

Wesker scrunched his eyebrows and started walking again. He heard the women quickly gliding through the sand with him. When he stopped and spun again, they turned to each other, trying to be as natural as possible while playing with their hair and picking their noses.

"Why are you following me?" Wesker sighed.

"We aren't following you!" Rebecca yelled, eyes wide and shaking her head. Wesker didn't buy it at all.

"Follow you?" Jill laughed softly. "Why would we want to follow you?"

There came a very loud, dark menacing groan from the nearby jungle. All the women screamed and leaped onto Wesker. Rebecca clung to his leg, Claire and Jill grabbed his arms, and Ada leaped onto his back. Soon a new weight was added, and Wesker glared at Leon as he clung to his other leg. He shook them all off.

"What is the matter with all of you? Why are you clinging to me?" Wesker grumbled, straightening his shirt as the women and Leon backed away.

"There's something in the forest!" Rebecca squeaked.

"You're the only real man around here!"

Wesker chuckled. "Well, I know that but-"

"Great!" Jill laughed, slapping a spear into his hand. "Now go out there and protect us lovely women…and Leon…from whatever is out there! It's your job as a man, Wesker!"

"Yes! As a man!" Claire gulped.

Wesker squinted at them. "Wait a minute. Something smells fishy here…"

"Oh sorry, it's just Fish Head Bob," Barry chuckled, suddenly standing beside Wesker and making the super villain jump.

"What's going on here?" Pyramid Head asked, walking up. "Are we having a group hug that I don't know about?"

"Wesker was just on his way to protect us from whatever is making that scary noise out there in the jungle! It could have already eaten Chris and the others!" Rebecca blurted.

"And what do I get in return for protecting all of you? We aren't usually on the same side, you know," Wesker asked, folding his arms and glaring at the women suspiciously.

"Uhh…Ada will sleep with you!" Jill quickly answered.

"Please, been there done that," Wesker snorted in laughter. He quickly composed himself after receiving a death glare from his sidekick.

"Claire will!" Jill blurted out before Claire could say Jill's name.

"Hey! I called dibs on Claire for the whole repopulation thing!" Leon argued. Claire punched him in the face.

"In that case, I will be on my way!" Wesker laughed maniacally, using his superhuman speed to rush off of the beach and into the jungle.

"JILL!" Claire roared.

* * *

Chris hid behind the tree, drenched in sweat as the creature moaned out in hunger and bloodlust. He was separated from the others, but mostly Chris realized that they must have run away in their cowardice to face the creature. It had been too dark to see it. Chris was dumb and forgot torches.

The beast was getting closer and closer. Chris panicked, screaming his head off and running for it. He ran into a few trees but kept going. He could hear the creature right at his heels. He slammed into a body and fell on his butt.

"Watch it!" Chris hissed.

"You ran into me!" Wesker replied.

"What are you doing out here?"

"If I destroy whatever is out here scaring the women then I will…wait a minute…how did they know a monster was out here anyways?"

"Beats me, but it's coming up fast!" Chris cried, hiding behind Wesker.

They braced for it, but soon Wesker was gawking and rubbing his eyes as he saw Brad Vickers walk into the glade with a bleeding finger. "Man, this really hurts! Chris, you need to watch where you are swiping that knife of yours!"

"Brad?" Chris grunted. "As in…Chickenheart?"

"Yes?" Brad asked, puzzled. "Hi Captain Wesker!"

"You're supposed to be dead!" Wesker and Chris yelled in unison.

"I know! But I'm not! Isn't that awesome? Wow, this cut really hurts!"

"Mind explaining why you aren't dead?" Chris asked.

"Wait! You were the one making all those groaning noises the women were afraid of?" Wesker inquired. "Figures…"

"I could really use a band-aid! I'm gonna faint if I see much more of my blood!" Brad cried.

Soon the remaining members of Chris's hunting party showed back up, and were also shocked to see Brad Vickers alive and well and crying over his bleeding finger.

"Hey! Didn't I kill you with my hand penis?" Nemesis asked, scratching his head.

"Yeah, you dumb, sick bully!" Brad yelled. He kicked Nemesis in the shin, but the tyrant didn't feel a thing. Instead, Brad cried out in pain, forgetting about his finger to jump on one foot. "Owie!"

"Alright, alright, let's just get back to camp so he can explain what the hell is going on," Wesker said, waving them along.

"Wait! I'm not alone!" Brad yelled.

"Who else is with you?" Chris asked.

They heard munching and crunching. Out of the shadows came another man. Wesker's eye twitched yet again while Chris squinted his eyes at the familiar man.

"I know him from somewhere…like a picture or a hotel room or something," Chris mumbled.

The man was wearing a white lab coat, with messy blonde hair and twinkling green eyes. He was busy munching on some fried slices of something Chris couldn't identify, but damn they smelled good!

"Hello! I'm William Birkin!"

"Daddy!" Sherry yelled happily, running forth to embrace her not so dead father. "You aren't dead! Does that mean Mommy is still alive too?"

"No, sweetie, Mommy is still burning in hell!" William laughed, ruffling the girl's hair. "The only way I got out of burning in hell was that I made a time machine! Somehow this weirdo Brad here got mixed up in the transaction when I accidentally sent the time machine to some Montana town having a Testy Festy!"

"A Testy…what?" Chris asked, confused.

William held out his paper plate of fried meat. "Want some cowboy caviar?"

"What?"

"Oh, maybe you know them by Rocky Mountain oysters? Or Montana tender groins?"

"What the hell are you talking about you psycho?" Chris asked.

"Bull testicles! You know! The Testicle Festival! Duh! That's what I meant when I said Testy Festy!"

Chris became green. "I think my tender groins just became sick."

"Albert! Long time no see buddy! Want some?"

"No thanks, William! Now let's get to camp so you can explain your time machine experience!"

"Okie dokie!"

The group made their way back to the beach where their shelters and camp were set up. The women, Leon, Barry, and Bob greeted them, but were surprised to see two faces who were supposed to be dead. Jill, Claire, and Rebecca immediately started babying Brad, who took to the attention quite well and made some of the other men jealous.

"Ada! I have missed you!" William laughed, holding out his arms to hug the woman but before he could get his arms around her, Wesker grabbed his arm and tore him away.

"Alright, Will. So explain to us how you and Brad are alive right now."

They all gathered around while William contemplated for a moment. "Okay, so I was sitting down and watching Three's Company…that episode where Jack, Chrissy and Janet have this crazy misunderstanding with the Ropers…anyways, and then it hit me! There was something magical about my washing machine, so I decided to use it to invent a time machine!"

"That's it?" Wesker asked dully.

"A washing time machine! Hahahahahhaa," William laughed.

"Why do I bother?" Wesker sighed, turning away to rub his temples.

"This is an outrage! Brad and William are just providing two more mouths to feed, and they are men! We need more women to repopulate the earth!" Leon yelled.

"Will you stop with that? No one is reproducing!" Jill demanded.

All the men hung their heads, kicking sand. "Awwww!"

"So you guys didn't find any food out there?" Rebecca asked.

"Nope! Sorry!" Rocko piped up.

"There was this wicked looking monster though!" Nemesis laughed. "Scared the piss right out of me!"

They turned their attention to the tyrant. "WHAT?"

"Yeah! It was huge with sharp teeth and claws! It hissed at me and then asked if I wanted to go have some chocolate milk at its cave! I bailed for it! It was really hard because I really like chocolate milk!" Nemesis explained, getting emotional.

"Sounds like something we should check out!" Chris exclaimed.

"Yes, indeed. Will, when you finish eating your slices of testicles come and find me by that log over there," Wesker sighed, walking off.

"Uhh, okay, sure!"

"So, who is going to find this crazy monster with chocolate milk?" Jill asked.

The Tyrants turned away. Nicholai started whistling and playing with his knife, and then pointed to the jungle, eyes widening. "Goat! I mean I have to take a piss!"

"Uh, me too!" HUNK called, running after Nicholai. The Tyrants bailed after them as well.

"I am gonna go stuff sand down Wesker's pants!" Chris laughed nervously, taking off down the beach. He was cackling like a mad cow. Yes, mad cows cackle…sheesh…

Leon dug himself a hole in the sand and jumped in. He was quick to bury himself.

"Really, do we women have more balls than all these men?" Jill crumbled.

"I can believe that!" Brad exclaimed, laughing nervously.

"Fine. Then let's show these men whose boss!" Claire raved.

"Yeah!" Rebecca hollered, raising her fist.

"Whatever," Ada mumbled, reluctantly getting up to follow them into the jungle.

"Those brave, brave souls," William sighed, finishing his testicle slices. He wiped his hands on his lab coat. "Alright, better go see what evil plan Al has come up with now!"

"But Daddy!" Sherry called.

"Not now son, I'm busy!" William giggled, walking off.

"But I'm a girl!"

"That's nice, son!"

Sherry started crying. Pyramid Head was instantly by her side, opening his arms. If he didn't have a huge, rusty metal helmet on his head, he could probably be seen smiling. "Does someone need a hug?"

Sherry kicked Bob in the nuts, running off by herself. The demon of hell dropped to his knees, losing air and slamming his helmet head into the sand. "Ow!"

Barry held the fish head up to his ear, listened for a moment, and then nodded his head. "Yep. I bet that hurt too Bob!"

"Can you name that fish head something else? I'm Bob, dammit!" Pyramid Head wailed.

"But he said that was his name!" Barry replied, holding his fish head close.

"It doesn't speak, Barry! You're insane!"

"Bob, he's crazy!"

"I'm Bob!"

"So is Bob!"

"That's it! I'm not giving you any hugs!"

Barry was quivering his lip now, giving a puppy dog pout. "W-what? Why?"

"Yeah! Instead I am going to kill you with this gigantic sword that I can barely carry!" Pyramid Head yelled, grabbing his massive Buster Sword that he stole from Cloud Strife from some other dimension.

Barry squealed, getting up and taking off with Fish Head Bob in his hand. Pyramid Head was right on his heels, well…okay so he was far behind trying to drag that huge sword around the beach.

"Where did all the women go?" Wesker asked, scratching his head as William came up to him.

"Aren't you worried about the guys too?" William asked.

"Who cares? Where did the women go?"

"They went after the scary monster to prove they have more balls than us."

Wesker gasped. "Those witches! We have to beat them to it!"

"But I would rather not be eaten tonight!" William whined.

Chris was snickering quietly, grabbing a fistful of sand and tiptoeing up to Wesker. He tripped over the log they were standing over and got caught. But as Wesker was asking Chris what he was doing, Chris hollered out and grabbed Wesker's pants to pull them away and dump sand in his pants.

"Gotcha! That's one for the heroes and zero for the losers!"

Chris started running back towards the campfire but tripped over a crab and face planted into the sand. Wesker was dancing trying to get all the sand out of his pants while William blinked in confusion.

"Did I miss something?" Will asked.

"Yes! We need to destroy him! But first, let's get a swig of coconut juice and go beat the women to that monster!"

"Sounds good!"

* * *

**A/N: Wow...was I on drugs or what? XD Hmm, so who is going to reach this mystery monster first? The women? Or the men? Well, the women have more brains, lol. I had a blast writing this chapter for some reason, lmao. Hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did! Tootles! :)**


	7. Chapter 7: Ashleyzilla

**Chapter 7: Ashleyzilla**

The grueling, dangerous quest through the jungle to find the monster with chocolate milk took the rest of the night and well into noon. William would not shut up, sounding like a sixteen year old girl on a telephone as he blabbed and blabbed on his newest inventions and crazy moments. Wesker and Chris led the team of men…and Sherry…towards their goal at beating the women to the monster.

"I bet the women have already won the battle! I mean we are freaking lost!" Pyramid Head whined.

"Or maybe they are all dead and we are next! DOOMED!" Brad cried. He was being dragged along by the Tyrants so he wouldn't run away.

"Can we take a break? Please?" HUNK asked.

"Alright, fine!" Wesker snapped.

The group immediately crumbled to the ground to rest. They had been going nonstop since last night. Albert was bent on beating the women to the monster. Hearing the men…and Sherry…argue on where they should go next, and that maybe the women had beat them, drove him over the edge.

"Why can't I be in the Bahamas right now? This isn't fair! I'm a good bad guy! What did I do wrong?" Wesker wailed, dropping to his knees. The group was staring at him oddly. "You guys are driving me insane!"

"Maybe we should ask for directions!" William suggested.

"Oh yeah? Like what? That squirrel up there? Or that flower? Or maybe that snake right over there eating that lizard?" Barry scoffed.

"How about that polar bear right there?" Sherry said, pointing.

"Polar bear?" the group grunted, turning around.

The massive white bear was standing not too far, and stood all the way up to roar at them before rushing them. The men screamed like babies, scattering like rabbits. Wesker tried to yell at them to stay calm and use their weapons to kill the bear, but they weren't listening. Wesker slapped his palm to his face, and went to go save the day. He punched the polar bear right in the nose.

"Knock it off! You are scaring my team and we need to beat the women to the monster with chocolate milk!" Wesker yelled. "Don't make me turn you into a stuffed animal!"

"Ouch, that really hurt dude," the polar bear grumbled, sitting on his haunches to rub his nose with his paw.

"Holy shit it can talk!" Nicholai exclaimed and then fainted.

"I just wanted the chicken man! He smells like chicken, and I'm hungry!" the polar bear sniffled sadly.

"Oh, you mean Brad? Sure, you can eat him! Just tell us where the monster with chocolate milk is!"

"Just follow this trail you are on and over this hill, he is in a cave at the base of the mountain! You can't miss him!" the polar bear answered.

"Great!" Wesker rubbed his palms together. "Rocko! Through Brad to the polar bear!"

"WHAT? No!"

Rocko and Mr. X picked up the flailing Brad and threw him at the polar bear. As the polar bear started mauling Brad, the group of men…and Sherry…started heading off again. Brad's cries of agony eventually died away, and they found themselves getting closer to the cave.

It was then that a man jumped out in front of the group with a large scythe-like arm wearing army pants and a beret. "Give me your lunch money or I…ohhhh…"

"Krauser! Where the hell have you been? We missed you last chapter!" HUNK shouted, walking over.

"And what happened to your arm?" Wesker asked.

"It looks disturbing!" Chris cried.

"It looks like a…never mind," Leon giggled.

"I got tired of all of you, so I went off on my own to try and find a way off of this island!" Krauser answered.

"Did you succeed?" Wesker asked, folding his arms and glaring.

"No, sure didn't! But I got worms from something I ate, and this is what happened to my arm! Cool huh?"

"Don't you see what is happening here?" Leon gulped. "Our strange, sudden plane crash to an uncharted island? No escape? No time to repopulate? A polar bear in the jungle? A bird in the sky? A monster with chocolate milk? And time traveling friends?"

"Yes, yes, we get it! Where are you going with this?" Chris grumbled.

"Maybe we are in some kind of alternate dimension! Like maybe, we all really died in that plane crash, but now we are in like a ten second dimension between life and death where our lives are flashing before our eyes, but since we are dying together, it's all flooding together to create this crazy adventure that we think we are happening but we are actually dying and-"

Nemesis slammed his fist into Leon's face, knocking him out cold.

"Thank you, Nemesis!" Wesker yelled. "Let's move on!"

The Tyrants carried Leon as the group headed forth once more with Krauser tagging along now. When he flexed the scythe-like arm, it would turn back to normal. Krauser talked on and on about the worms in his system. The others tried to ignore him, as it was very gross.

They came across the cave, where they found that the women had already beat them. The men were appalled. Instead of destroying the monster, the women were joining it for cold glasses of chocolate milk. Wesker even saw the mysterious female ninja among the group. The monster was actually just Ashley all along. Wesker and the other men were upset that they didn't beat the women, and weren't excited to see Ashley.

"Oh boy, not this girl!" Krauser grumbled.

"Hello! Come and join us!" Ashley called, waving them up to her lair.

"There you men are! We were wondering if you guys were ever going to show up!" Jill laughed.

"Well, it is good to see that we didn't have to come to your rescue. It's only Ashley," Wesker answered.

The men sat around the lair while Ashley handed out chocolate milk. She hummed a happy tune and seemed so happy. She gasped when she saw Leon lying unconscious next to Pyramid Head.

"Oh no! He's not breathing! Leon! Hold on, I will give you CCR!"

"It's CPR!" Nicholai snapped.

The girl smothered her lips to Leon and started making out with him, forgetting all about pushing on his chest. The women started to laugh while the guys grew green from sickness. Leon was stirring around, and he slightly giggled at the lips on his face.

"Wow Ada you are-AHHHHHH!"

Leon slammed his fist into Ashley's face, knocking her out. He was on his feet, spitting out his mouth and slapping at his face. "No! I'm diseased! Someone put me out of my misery!"

"Hey, look at this map guys!" Chris pointed to a map hanging on the cave wall. It showed the island. On the other side of this mountain they were by, was a town with a port, and it was a short boat ride to the Bahamas.

"Well, let's get a move on before Ashley awakens!" Claire yelled.

"Not before I get my revenge on the ninja girl!" Wesker called,

He got to his feet and ran after her. "I am gonna beat you up for stealing my favorite sunglasses!"

The female ninja's eyes grew wide, and she splashed her chocolate milk in his face just as he reached her. Wesker chocked on the liquid, having accidentally snorted it up his nose when trying to grab the ninja to strangle her. The female ninja grabbed Wesker's belt and tore it off, and then like a stealthy…uhh ninja…she hightailed it out of the cave and was gone.

"Damn it! She got away again!" Wesker yelled, wiping chocolate milk off his face and shirt.

"Uhh, boss? You're pants are on the ground," Rocko stated, blushing.

They were all laughing at his boxers. His white boxers had sunglasses and umbrella symbols all over them. Wesker immediately grabbed his pants and pulled them up, glaring at everyone.

"That's just great! Now I am going to have to hold my pants up until I find another belt!"

"Oh shit! Ashley is waking up! Bail for it!" Leon called.

Ashley was angry. Smoke was coming out of her ears and nose. Her eyes started growing red and she opened up her mouth and let out a monstrous roar that also spit out fire. She was growing rabidly, claws extending, along with a tail and massive spikes on her back. Everyone ran out of the cave, following the map to the mountain trail to take to the port town on the other side. Ashley was giving chase now, roaring and blowing fire.

"It's Ashleyzilla, run for your lives!" William cried

Jill had jumped onto Chris's back, smacking him hard in the ass. "Giddy up! Yeehaw!"

Leon tried to do the same thing to Claire, but she bucked him off. Ada jumped over his body, running gracefully in her heels and grinning as she came up next to Wesker. He looked absolutely ridiculous having to hold his pants up while he ran away from the monster.

"I am going to strangle that ninja when I get a hold of her!"

"Ashlyzilla is gaining on us!" Mr. X hollered.

"Bob! Offer her a hug!" Nicholai yelled.

"Hell no! I'm not getting eaten!"

"She won't be able to digest your helmet and will die of internal blockage!" Rocko yelled.

"Sacrifice yourself for us!" Nemesis cried.

"No more hugs for all of you!"

William pointed towards an upcoming cliff to the right of the trail they were running on. "A cliff! We can jump!"

"And fall to our deaths? Are you insane?" Ada yelled.

Ashleyzilla roared, crushing trees and rocks as she pursued them with thunderous steps. William grabbed a hold of Sherry and broke off from the group to head for the cliff.

"C'mon, son! I know you can fly!"

"I'm a girl!" Sherry yelled as she and William leaped off of the cliff and fell.

"Well, they're gone!" Krauser yelled.

A large green military truck came out of the brush, driving up next to the running people. Carlos was in the passenger seat waving at them.

"Get in!"

"Carlos! Where the hell have you been? We thought you died in the plane crash or something!" Jill yelled, slapping Chris again to gain more speed.

"I went off to try and find a way off this island! I found the port town, and was going to come back and find ya, but I totally got distracted with this Mexican girl!"

The truck went ahead to pull to a stop. The large group only had seconds to jump in and take off before Ashleyzilla was on their tail roaring. It was a scene right out of Jurassic Park

"Release the jars of honey!" Carlos called.

Men from inside the truck started tossing out jars of honey. They crashed and broke open on the ground as the truck kept speeding for town. Ashleyzilla slid to a halt, roaring out one last time before bending over to lick up the honey.

"Phew, that was close!" Rebecca exclaimed, wiping her forehead.

Their trip into town was short and terrorizing. The truck pulled up to the large cruise liner that would take the group across to the hundreds of islands that made up the Bahamas.

"Yay! We get a nice cruise before settling into our beach houses!" Chris yelled.

"Not so fast!" An officer had walked up to them with some reinforcements. "Carlos Oliveira is under arrest for stealing cigars!"

"What? That girl I was hanging with gave them to me!"

"Tell it to the judge!"

They were hauling Carlos off, who was giving his group puppy dog eyes and crying. "Please help me! I don't want to miss my vacation!"

"Sorry Carlos! We got to save our money to have fun!" Rebecca called.

They all started loading up onto the huge cruise ship. Wesker was receiving lots of stares from him having to hold his pants up.

"Does anyone have a belt?" Wesker asked, sighing.

"What kind o' belt are ye lookin' for, stranger?"

The Merchant walked over them. He pulled open his cloak only for there to be nothing but the strange man's own boxers. They were pink with faces of Leon and typewriters on them.

"Uhh…never mind…"

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, but I want the cruise liner to be a full chapter in itself lol. So, what will happen next you think? Will they get to the Bahamas finally? Or will the cruise ship sink or something? :D And who knows if William and Sherry will come back! And poor Carlos is in jail, but he could bail out! And hopefull Wesker will get a belt so he doesn't have to hold his pants up anymore! XD Thanks for reading and reviewing! Hope you enjoyed it!**


	8. Chapter 8: Titanic II

**Chapter 8: Titanic II**

Wesker was glad to finally find a belt to where he didn't have to hold up his pants anymore. He was watching television in his suite on the cruise liner. Ada, Rocko, Mr. X, Nemesis, Krauser, Nicholai and Hunk were all hanging out with him. Chris and his team of goody two shoes were off doing their own thing. Wesker shook his head at the Trix commercial where again, the poor rabbit was not able to get any of the cereal.

"I know how you feel, little Trix rabbit. Always so close to that very special item you wish to get in your grasps and devour like crack, but stupid idiotic children with their snide banter and pet Furbies always ruin it."

"Did you say something?" Ada asked, looking up from her magazine.

Wesker burst into tears. "WHY CAN'T THE RABBIT JUST GET THE TRIX JUST ONCE? Or Wile E. Coyote? All he wants is supper, but that stupid Roadrunner is always getting away, and, and, and flaunting him! With his little BEEP BEEP! It's sickening!"

"What did I tell you about taking your rash cream before dinner?" Ada grumbled, glaring at Wesker.

"Go get me some Napoleon ice cream!" Wesker whined.

"Napoleon?" Ada inquired, giving him a dull look.

"Ya! That little French midget conqueror…like little Salazar…only he is Spanish and Napoleon is French, and he made ice cream."

"You mean Neapolitan, jackass," Ada sighed, getting to her feet.

"Which is actually Italian! Naples…which rhymes with nipples I mean maples," Krauser said.

The intercom of the ship came on, getting everyone's attention. The voice was of a man, though he sounded kind of girly, and very familiar. "_Hello you peasants! Welcome aboard the Titanic II! History will hopefully not repeat itself with this replica honoring the old ship that supposedly was unsinkable but then God showed his humorous side and sunk it like a can of tuna! Anyways, there is a free salad with every meal down in the ship's main restaurant. There are all kinds of games, dancing, activities, etc until our sail to Antarctica is complete! If you have any questions please ask the ship's butler, Nosferatu, and please take time to go into the bowels of the ship to see our one of a kind zombie dolphin! Thank you and enjoy your stay on the Titanic II!"_

Rocko snickered. "He said bowels."

"Boy, that guy kinda sounded familiar," Wesker said.

"Did he just say Titanic II?" Ada asked, eye twitching.

"Who cares about that, they have a zombie dolphin!" Nemesis exclaimed excitedly.

They all got to their feet, eager to go see the zombie dolphin before Wesker yelled out at them to stop. "Wait! He said Nosferatu was the butler…that's such a funny name for a butler."

"Maybe he's Australian?" Krauser inquired, scratching his head.

"Crap! We're heading for Antarctica!" Ada yelled, jumping up and down.

Wesker rubbed his chin. "Hmm…Antarctica…ant…arctica….Nosferatu…nose Ferrari…girly man voice…zombie Flipper." Wesker snapped his fingers. "Hot diggity that was Alfred on the intercom!"

"Which means?" Hunk asked.

"Which means his hot sister Alexia is on this ship somewhere! Goodbye!" Wesker snickered, leaving the suite immediately.

Ada glared after him. "I hope she sets you on fire again, you jerk!"

"So, what do you think this ship's chance of hitting another iceberg is?" Mr. X asked.

Ada waved him off. "We're by the Bahamas, you idiot. There are no icebergs."

"But we are heading for Antarctica," Hunk stated.

"Then we better round up Chris and the others so we can stop the Ashford twins and get our butts back in the Bahamas before we become penguins."

Rocko meekly raised his clawed hand. "I always wanted to be a penguin."

"Well, I don't blame you. Penguins are cute and you look like your mom gave birth to you through her ass, and the father was a walrus," Krauser snorted.

"Hey!" Rocko cried.

Ada led the way as she and the others headed out to located Chris and his team. Wesker was long gone, on his hunt for Alexia. It didn't take long for them to find Chris and his team out on deck in their swimming trunks tanning and eating. There was a tour guide pointing at various things on either side of the ship.

"Over there you have the Bahamas, so close, yet so very far. And over here, you can see Ashleyzilla destroying the port."

They heard a loud roar, followed by the sounds of cries, buildings be crushed by feet, and fire. Chris had a grin on his face, wearing sunglasses and a glob of sunscreen on his nose.

"Ahh, this is the life."

Ada opened her mouth to pour out the problem, but then she was barreled over by Leon, who was running past in only swimming trunks and sunglasses, with hot girls screaming and chasing him. He was crying like a baby, running all over the deck with them pursuing.

"My hotness is too much!" he yelled.

Ada grumbled something, dusting herself off and getting to her feet. "Alright, Chris. Round up your team of goodness and peace so we can work together to stop Alfred."

"I have no idea what you are talking about…please leave a message after the beep…BEEEEEEP."

Ada's eye twitched, and she butterfly kicked him right out of his tanning chair. "Front and center, dufus!"

Ada called the rest of Chris's team over, and they huddled like a football team. "Okay, so everyone remembers the Ashford twins right?"

"You mean the tranny twins?" Jill snickered.

"Yes. Well, Alfred has us on this ship, called the Titanic II."

"Isn't that the ship that Luke Skywalker crashed into the Bermuda Triangle?" Barry asked, scratching his beard.

Ada held out her hand, in which Hunk slapped a tuna fish sandwich down. Ada wiggled the sandwich in front of Barry, whose eyes bulged and he started panting like a dog.

"Here boy, here Barry, Barry, Barry! Go fetch the tuna sandwich!" Ada said sweetly, and tossed the sandwich overboard.

"SANDWICH!" Barry cried, diving over the railing of the deck. They heard a loud splash a moment later.

"Holy crap, we're gonna die! This is the Titanic!" Jill cried.

"Rocko, smack her with a halibut!"

The tyrant slapped Jill with a halibut.

"Okay, so we're supposed to be in the Bahamas, but Alfred is taking us to Antarctica," Ada continued.

"Where Santa Claus lives?" Chris inquired, looking confused and scratching his head. "But it isn't Christmas."

"That's the North Pole, you idiot," Hunk stated.

"Ohhhhhh."

Ada heaved a very annoyed and exasperated sigh. "The point is, we have to stop Alfred from taking this ship to Antarctica, because we are supposed to be going to the Bahamas."

"Where's Wesker?" Claire asked, looking between the group of baddies.

Ada glared at her. "What's that supposed to mean? Huh? You have to know where he is every second of the day? You need to see what color underwear he has on? What he sings in the shower? Huh? Do ya?"

Claire made herself smaller. "No…crazy lady."

"Well, if it makes you guys happy, our boss is currently hunting down Alexia to try and woo her like 800 other times that he failed miserably in."

Chris chuckled softly. "She said woo…"

"Slap him with a trout, Mr. X!"

"Uhh, we're at sea…no trout."

"Lobster then!"

Mr. X slapped Chris with a lobster.

"Ouch!"

"Who wants to go get Leon from the hot girls?" Ada sighed.

Everyone instantly disappeared, leaving only dust. Ada growled in annoyance, moving on to go fight off the women who were hunting Leon down and distracting the poor sap.

* * *

Wesker searched the ship for Alexia, but alas came up shorthanded. He bumped into the Merchant a few times, and Wesker felt that the strange man was following him. It was then he saw Nosferatu limping up ahead with a tray of goodies. Wesker grinned, walking over to the man that was turned into a disgusting experiment by his psycho daughter Alexia.

"Mr. Ashford, how great it is to see you again! Did you do something to your hair?"

"Gerf."

"Huh? I don't speak Chewbacca."

"Gerf."

Wesker tossed his hands, frustrated. "Great, forgot he was an illegal immigrant. Listen, Nosy! Where is your hot daughter?"

Nosferatu pointed behind Wesker. "Gerf."

Wesker spun around, grinning and expecting Alexia, but his eyes widened as he saw mutated Lisa Trevor stumbling down the hallway moaning his name.

"Eeeek!" Wesker spun around and took off running, knocking down Nosferatu and leaving a trail of dust behind him.

Wesker was able to make it back to his suite, entering it and slamming the door behind him. He whistled in relief, but then realized that Ada had Chris and his team crowded in the living room. Wesker felt his eye twitch, and he growled in annoyance walking over to Ada as his team of villains argued with Chris's team of heroes.

Wesker folded his arms Ricky Ricardo style. "Ada! You got some 'splainin' to do!"

Ada made a face. "Eeeehhhh."

"Ada gathered us so we could work together at taking the Ashford twins down before they haul us to Antarctica!" Rebecca spoke up.

"Been there! Done that! Boring!" Claire exclaimed.

"Yeah, you were such a little brat having to rescue you! What did I tell you about getting caught by Umbrella goons while out shopping?" Chris sighed.

"And then she had to lose her Canadian boyfriend," Leon chuckled.

"He wasn't Canadian! His voice just hadn't changed yet!" Claire defended.

"You mean Steve Burnside?" Nicholai chuckled.

Wesker stroked his chin. "I wonder how well he is keeping my evil lair while we are away."

_Back at Wesker's Evil Headquarters of Doom_

"Okay, Mr. Froo Froo! Tea Time!" Steve laughed while wearing his maid's outfit. He poured some tea for the gigantic pink teddy bear. There was also a doll, Bill Murray, and a Licker.

"Wait a minute…I didn't invite you, Licky!"

The Licker hissed at him, shooting out its tongue and letting the long organ wrap around his torso. The Licker proceeded to slap Steve on the ground over and over again with Steve crying in pain.

_Back to the Titanic II_

Wesker chuckled. "Nah, I bet he's doing fine."

"Alright, everyone, settle down!" Ada yelled. "We have to figure out what we are going to do to stop the Ashfords! Let's get to work!"

"You aren't going to make us sing a Disney song first about how much the world is great, and how friendship always prevails, and princesses have disorders before we go do the big plan, are you?" Hunk asked.

Everyone else started to snicker. Ada glared at him. "No, that's Claire's gig, not mine. Now, do you want me to take a swordfish to slap your face with, or are you going to shut up and start planning?"

Wesker glared at her. "I'm the leader! I get to boss everyone around, not you!"

"Yeah, so when Alexia does show up, you become goo-goo eyed and start giggling? I don't think so!"

"She's not even that attractive! I mean, she turned into a giant bug for crying out loud!" Chris put in.

"Oh, yeah, well you work out too much!" Wesker defended. "You look like…like a white gorilla with no hair!"

Chris gasped dramatically. "Well, at least I don't have cat eyes! Are you part Siamese or something?"

Wesker folded his arms. "Siamese cats happen to have blue eyes! Do I have blue eyes? No! But you have duck feet!"

"No I have crow's feet cuz I'm getting old!" Chris corrected.

Wesker grabbed a bottle of Vitameatavegimen that came out of nowhere. "Take this and go buff up some more!"

Chris snatched it from his hands, highly annoyed. "I will! I'll show all of you! This weird stuff that vaguely looks familiar from some sort of TV classic has vitamins, minerals, meat, vegetables and 23% alcohol! It's perfect for someone who poops at parties, like you! Wimp!"

"It's poop out at parties, and I bet you don't even have a package anymore after all those steroids you took!" Wesker retorted.

"Awkward…" Jill mumbled.

"No, really! He ordered a package from Amazon! And since he started taking the steroids, it never showed up in the mail!" Wesker exclaimed, waving his hands frantically.

"That's because the guy only had 3 out of 4 stars and only had an 80-something percent on time rating! I bet you blackmailed him or something not to send it to me!" Chris argued.

Heads were going back and forth as the rest of the others went from Chris to Wesker in their arguing fit. It started out from one subject, until they were arguing about something that was hardly on course.

"Dental hygiene is very important!" Wesker exclaimed.

"I never disagreed with that, but what the hell is up with dinosaurs being mascots for that kinda stuff? I mean do they really think the dinosaurs knew how to floss or brush their teeth? Toothbrushes weren't even invented back then!" Chris argued.

"ALRIGHT! Shut the hell up!" Ada yelled, rubbing her temples. "Now that I have a dang headache, can we please get to work on stopping the Ashford twins?"

The intercom came on in the room, catching everyone's attention. _"Excuse me dear passengers, this is Alfred Ash…I mean Fonzie…ahem…anyways, we are experiencing technical difficulties right now…please leave your message after the beep…BEEEEEEP. Oh, and we are about to crash into a random iceberg in the middle of tropical water! Now that's global warming! Please brace yourself for impact, because it looks as though Titanic II is going to sink just like the original. In ten minutes, alarms will start going off, and then you can proceed to scream in terrified anguish and run around like chickens! Good day!"_

No sooner had the intercom went off did the ship crash into something, throwing everyone off their feet and rolling along the room and metal screamed and twisted. They tumbled with the furniture, Wesker landing right on Ada and crushing the air from her lungs.

"Ada! You broke my fall! What a darling you are!" Wesker laughed.

"Get off, you're blocking my airway with your ass!"

"Oh sorry!"

"We're all gonna die!" Claire exclaimed as water started rushing in.

"Get some buckets! Throw it back outside!" Chris ordered.

"That's a genius plan, Chris! Let's do it!" Leon called.

The two retarded heroes got buckets and started scooping up water and ran out of the rooms to the deck to dump it overboard, then come back and get some more. The women and Wesker watched dully as the two men worked. Even the tyrants were trying to help them keep the water out.

"Let's leave them to drown," Jill sighed.

"Agreed," Ada, Rebecca, Claire, and Wesker stated in unison and left. Hunk, Krauser, and Nicholai followed behind them.

They started searching the sinking ship for Alfred. They first had to trick Nosferatu and Lisa Trevor over board, in which they landed right on the large iceberg. Leon, Chris, and the tyrants shortly caught up after that, sweating like pigs, even though pigs don't sweat. It's just an expression.

"It's no use! We just can't get enough water out before more comes in, and we tried using the girls' underwear and socks to block the hole!" Chris exclaimed.

"You did what?" the women screamed.

Leon grinned up at the towering iceberg. A polar bear drinking a Coca-Cola waved down at him, and the agent waved back. "I wonder how they get lettuce out of an iceberg…that always confused me."

"Look! There's Alfred!" Ada yelled, pointing overboard.

Alfred was in a kiddy tube that was made to look like a giraffe. The zombie dolphin was swimming around him and making those funny noises that dolphins do.

"Stop right there or my zombie dolphin will eat all of you!" Alfred called up at them.

"Well, we have a zombie puppy! Where's Itchy?" Rebecca retorted, she turned to Leon.

"Why are you looking at me?"

"He chewed on your leg all the time!"

"Maybe he got squished by Ashleyzilla, who by the way is still destroying that port, oh never mind she is getting into the water. Holy crap, she is back to her normal self and in a bikini!" Leon yelled, pointing.

The men screamed like girls and ran back inside the ship. Ada pulled out a rocket launcher from out of nowhere, positioning it on her shoulder to aim at Alfred.

"I'm gonna blast you off like Team Rocket!" she yelled.

"Not before I gas you with sleeping gas!" Alfred defended.

They were confused until Leon picked up a robot skunk and gave the biggest puppy dog face to them. "Awww, this little robot skunk is so-ahhhhh!"

The tail raised up and gas flushed out, hitting all of them and making everything go back. Wesker and Ada fell against each other's back, slowly letting them slide down to the floor.

"Nighty night," Ada yawned.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite…and by that I mean the actual BOW bed bugs I made like last week…they eat the entire bed and steal jelly from the fridge," Wesker mumbled.

"Did you say something about eating a bed with jelly on it?"

They passed out after that, Alfred's evil giggles echoing out as the ship continued to sink.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the wait on this chapter! I meant to get it out sooner lol. Well, this just goes to show that if they ever make a Titanic II, please citizens do not get on it! Instead, load up all your local politicians, hobos, village idiots, dumbasses who shouldn't reproduce, and so on cuz the list can go on, and then let the ship sail! So, what is going to happen to our unfortunate pack of heroes and villains now? That's yet to be determined! Oh, and there is alot of randomness in this chapter, and for those that noticed all the old TV show references...well I blame sitting up late watching I Love Lucy, Happy Days, and Three's Company while being hyper off of junk food and loopy from pain pills! Ahem...anyways, hope you all enjoyed this chapter! It was fun writing! Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)**


	9. Chapter 9: Dreams for Dummies

**Chapter 9: Dreams for Dummies**

**Chris's Dream…take one…ACTION!**

Chris did not understand how he ended up backstage of a strange, huge auditorium. He could hear thousands of people cheering and someone singing on stage. He looked down at his attire. He was wearing a blue tube top and a tight black skirt, brown knee high boots, and a white jacket was tied around his waist.

He giggled because it tickled him for some reason. "This is weird!"

"Hey!" came a male's voice. "You're up next! Get ready!"

"Ready for what?" Chris asked, turning around. There was a zombie with a headset and walky-talky in hand. He was trying to write down something on his clipboard before Chris nailed him with a loose plank.

"Die zombie!"

This loud musical theme that was very catchy started playing throughout backstage, echoing from the stage itself. Chris ran over to where he could peek out on stage. He saw Leon in a tuxedo, smiling with sparkly teeth and he was looking not only out to the massive audience, but to the cameras that were rolling.

"Alright, next on Resident Idol we got Chris Redfield singing Lady Gaga!" Leon called out, pointing towards Chris.

"Hell yeah, I love Lady Gaga!" Chris chuckled, running out onto stage as Paparazzi began playing.

Chris wasn't the greatest dancer. He wasn't the greatest singer either. He was tripping and running into his fellow dancers as he cried the lyrics and fell on his face a few times. He sure was having a blast though, just like how he sang it in the shower. When the song was over, Chris was catching his breath. Leon the host was walking up with a couple of women under his shoulders. Leon ended up pushing them off of stage and straightened his tie as he came over to Chris.

Chris was now looking at the three judges sitting right off stage with their fancy microphones and drink glasses. First up was Barry to the far left.

"I don't know, dog. I wasn't getting it so much, dog. It was alright for me, dog. Don't worry, dog. I doubt you will get voted off, dog. Thanks for the performance, dog!"

Next was Jill. Her face was as calm as could be before she suddenly burst into tears with Barry having to pat her back. "That was beautiful! You are amazing!"

The final judge was Wesker. He wore so tight of a black shirt, Chris was sure it could rip open any moment. Wesker had his arms crossed, a scowl on his face as he shook his head. "Lame. It was utterly horrible the way you did the whole performance. I was literally grinding my teeth trying to block out the sound. That, and get a piece of spinach out of my teeth. Oh and you're clumsy, ugly, and I won't be surprised if you get voted off tomorrow night."

Leon made a face. He spoke to Chris with the microphone. "Ouch, that's gotta hurt! Any last thoughts or comments, Chris?"

Chris burst into tears, crying like a baby. Leon took a step back, eyes wide. While he was crying, Chris saw Wesker flirting with Jill down in the judges' seats. He lost it, rushing forth with a battle cry and crashing the table. Jill leaped up as Chris tackled Wesker. Barry's mouth was open.

"What is this, dog? You were almost a Jill sandwich, yo!"

Leon frantically talked to the camera, trying to motion to them to cut to a commercial. "If you want to vote for Chris, call that number or text Vote to that number at the end of the show! Now here are some weird commercials for you to watch until Resident Idol returns! Now if you will excuse me, I have to go look at myself in the mirror!"

* * *

**Claire's dream**

Claire was in the middle of a forest. She found herself walking throughout the trees and bushes for a sunny wonderland. She was being followed by Leon, who for some reason was trotting along on all fours.

"You can't date him! He's a vampire! A monster! You have to listen to me, Claire! I'll take care of you! I will, dammit!"

Claire dramatically threw her arm over her face, feigning. It was so very cheesy. "But Leon! My heart stops when he is around, yet it beats with incredible force! I love him! Not you!"

"But I'm a werewolf! We are cooler! You can have a dog and a man all in one! Awesome, right? Check out my werewolf puppy eyes!" Leon quickly said. He sat down like a dog on a nearby rock, mustering up his best pout ever.

"I don't need a man who smells like wet dog or chews his own butt!"

Leon paused with his teeth just inches away from his butt. He quickly sat up again, laughing weakly. "Oh, come on! You can trust me! He is just a brooding punk who shines in the sun like bling on a rapper! And I promise I won't fall deeply, madly in love with your unborn child! I'm not weird like that!"

Claire pulled out a tennis ball from her pocket. Leon's eyes went as wide as plates and drool was running down his lips. Claire tauntingly moved the ball around with Leon watching it like meat.

"Fetch, boy!" Claire yelled, throwing the ball deeper into the woods.

"BALL!"

Leon was after it on all fours, barking madly. Claire found the glade that was full of sunshine and swaying flowers. She skipped into the glade, calling out to her vampire boyfriend. Wesker was on the other side of the glade. As he started walking out into the sunlight, he pulled his shirt off and started sparkling like diamonds. Claire swooned over his awesomeness. Her unconscious body twitched for a moment. Wesker stood over her, his hair Twilight-fied as he looked down at her body.

"I knew it! I'm a monster!" Wesker yelled dramatically, crying to the sun. "I drink bunny blood but it just isn't enough!"

Leon ran up to him, still on all fours. He dropped the tennis ball, growling at Wesker. "Get lost! Don't let your gay sparkling blind anyone!"

Wesker picked up the ball and threw it. Leon was after it again, barking and laughing maniacally.

"Where was I?" Wesker asked, scratching his chin. He then shrugged and clapped his hands twice. A large, very hairy creature ran out of the woods to join Wesker's side.

"You called?"

"Yes, Sasquatch! Take her away and do what you want with her. I'm gonna take over the world! No one can resist THE SPARKLING!"

"Yeah, you look pretty damn awesome," Sasquatch said, picking up Claire and throwing her over his shoulder. "Thanks for the girl slave! See ya around, Wesker!"

"When I rule the world all mythical beasts will be free and humans will be enslaved and put in zoos! And I can sparkle wherever I feel like it!" Wesker yelled, laughing evilly.

* * *

**Leon's dream…**

Leon sat in a dressing room looking at himself in the mirror and fluffing his magnificent hair. "Damn I'm hot!"

The door burst open and in comes walking Ashley Graham wearing Ada's red dress. "I'm fabulous!"

Leon's eyes grew wide, his dream instantly turning into a nightmare as he started screaming like a girl.

* * *

**Wesker's dream…**

Wesker had a smile on his face as he sipped on his coffee, classical music playing in the background as he sat outside on his balcony of his tower in a fancy mansion. He wasn't alone as he sat with friends who also sipped on their coffee. In the distance towards the city, Godzilla was tearing up the place, and cries of horror were echoing to the mansion. Wesker clapped his hands for service. Chris stumbled out, looking exhausted, dirty, and dressed in a French maid outfit.

"Slave! Check on my guests and bend to their every whim!"

"Yes overlord Wesker!"

Chris walked over to the first guest. "What can I get you, Lord Sephiroth?"

The warrior tapped his chin as he looked at his six foot long Masamune. "Hmm, how about a gold chocobo and a meteor, thank you."

Chris blinked. "Uhh, what are those?"

Sephiroth sighed loudly, as if annoyed. "A chocobo is a giant chicken you can ride, and a meteor is a huge flaming rock in outer space that I want to use to destroy the world. Have anymore dumb questions or must I stick you through with my mighty Masamune?"

"Got it!"

Chris moved to the next villain. He studied the old guy for a moment. This particular man was always hard. He was either Liquid Snake, Revolver Ocelot, or somewhere in between. Chris was unsure of how to greet him as.

"Uh, for you Lord Liquid Ocelot Snake Revolver?"

"I'm Liquid right now! I want better genes so I can defeat my twin brother, Solid Snake!"

"Jeans? What brand? Wranglers? Levi? Dickies? Uhh, I can get you a JC Penney catalog or something," Chris replied, confused.

"You dump ape! Not jeans! GENES!"

"I don't get it."

Chris quickly moved on before Wesker would come over and beat him up for angering his guest. His next villain was the grumpy Bowser. The giant dinosaur turtle koopa thing was sitting on a lawn chair like the others, only his was about to snap any moment from Bowser's weight. Wesker was watching his slave to make sure he wasn't upsetting his guests.

"Uhh, what can I get you King Bowser?"

"I want Mario and Luigi on a silver platter, cooked rare with lots of seasoning! I want Toad sautéed with onions and let his juices soak into Mario and Luigi! Oh and bring me Princess Peach so I can take her to my room and we can make sweet, passionate, erotic, beastly love!"

"I'll…get right on that…"

Before he could move on to the brooding Vergil, half-demon son of Sparda, Chris was summoned back to his master. Wesker got to his feet, motioning for his slave to follow him. Godzilla was still destroying the city, and the villains continued to watch with glee. Wesker led Chris into the mansion, turning to him.

"I just found out that Ada left me for Voldemort!"

Chris hissed, covering his ears. "La la, I didn't hear that name!"

Wesker bitch slapped Chris.

"Sorry, master. I am listening now."

"She will rue this day! RUE IT!"

They heard barking and looked down to their feet. Wesker's Yorkshire Terrier named Killer was looking up at them with a wagging tail. Wesker melted, forgetting about Ada and scooping the little dog up in his arms.

"Oh Killer, my sweet, sweet, lapdog of evil, you! We can move on without Ada! I knew she was a freak for talking to snakes!"

"So…can I go on break now, master?" Chris asked.

Wesker shrugged. "Yeah, sure. Just be back in time for your daily torture at 5 before dinner."

Chris grinned. "Yes my evil overlord!"

* * *

**Ada's Dream…**

Ada was walking through a long hallway of a fancy building surrounded by bodyguards. She felt so powerful, and knew she was ruling the world. What she didn't understand was why she was wearing a black formal suit with sunglasses. She still wore her heels, couldn't lose those things of course. She was led into her super secret villain headquarters, where she sat down to look at the surrounding computers that depicted all of her money, fame, and beauty. She leaned back in her fancy chair, sighing happily.

"This is the life! I'm rich, beautiful, and famous! I rule the world so now I don't have to take orders from Mr. Sunglasses anymore!"

She took her sunglasses off, counting her money and wondering what she was going to buy with it this time. One of her bodyguards entered, clearing his throat to get her attention.

"Yes?" she asked, wondering if she should play Guitar Hero or play Solitaire after she gets done.

"Your agent has returned with the Revlon spy products you wanted."

Ada smiled. "Great! Send him in! I need some more of the lipstick missiles and the mascara grenades. I guess I can try the nail polish of instant death too."

The bodyguard left. She waited anxiously, until Wesker entered wearing her red dress and heels. He still wore the sunglasses; yep he couldn't lose those babies. He walked awkwardly into the office, almost breaking his ankles on the high heels a few times and he tried to pull the dress down. He had a suitcase in his hand, full of her items she wanted.

"This is extremely humiliating! I'm not your agent swine! You shall rue this day! I'll take over your operation, and I will continue my pursuit of evilness! And you will once again be my sexy slave agent!"

Ada smiled at him, casually reaching for the TV remote and turning on Spongebob Squarepants. Wesker squealed in delight, throwing off his heels and running towards the TV. He leaped onto his beanie bag and was instantly glued like a little kid.

Ada got the suitcase that Wesker brought in, eager to see her new makeup spy items. All the while she listened to Wesker happily sing along to Spongebob's theme song.

* * *

**Jill's Dream…**

It took Jill a moment to realize she was back in Raccoon City. There were zombies all over the place, and the city looked just as it did when she was living the nightmare. Cursing, Jill took off running to avoid extra slow zombies, though she did stop to watch a zombie quartet sing quite well before they gobbled down a screaming human.

Jill looked down at her attire; she was even wearing the same clothes she had while running around in Raccoon City. The chilly autumn air and the moans of the undead made her shiver.

"I was so dumb to run around in this the first time! A tube top and a skirt while fighting zombies and horrible monsters? That's like something men would write in for a video game or something! And look, I had a jacket wrapped around my waist the entire time and didn't put it on!"

Jill continued to rave and rant on how stupid her wardrobe was for this particular survival horror episode until she ran into another person. It took her a moment to recognize him, but it was Hunk. He started talking to her right away, as if sounding hurried, but she couldn't understand him very well from his mask.

"Take that damn mask off, you sound like Kenny from South Park!" Jill complained.

Hunk continued to talk with his gas mask on. Jill slipped past him, continuing on her way. Hunk decided to follow her, and they headed for the precinct. On their way, Jill was trying to recalculate all the events that took place.

"So Hunk is new here, but this is a dream. I wonder if I am going to bump into Carlos, or if I get to see Brad die again…that was so cool. I mean…poor Brad."

"Hey, Jill! Over here!"

She looked to see Chris. He was waving and smiling. Jill was happy, she turned her direction and went down the street to catch up with Chris. The two hugged even in the midst of hungry zombies and gunfire.

"Chris! You were never here before!"

Chris grinned broadly. "I beat the shit out of Carlos and stuffed him in a locker! Now I'm your knight in shining armor like I should have been!"

"Aw, you're so sweet," Jill giggled, pinching Chris's cheek.

"STARS!"

Jill yelped, her and Chris spinning around to see Nemesis coming for them. They screamed, taking off right past Hunk, whose own scream was muffled. He followed after the two STARS officers.

"He's not as nice in my dream as he was while awake on vacation!" Jill screamed.

"What are you talking about?" Chris countered.

"I'm dreaming!"

Chris started laughing. "Alright, no more shrooms for you!"

Jill ignored him and kept running until Chris suddenly slid to a halt. She halted as well, and quickly turned back to face him. "What the hell are you doing? We have to keep running or Nemesis will get us!"

"There's an unopened package of strawberry Pop-Tarts! I gotta have them!" Chris replied going back for the Pop-Tarts.

Jill slapped her forehead, and watched as Chris and Hunk started fighting over the Pop-Tarts and yelling at each other. Suddenly, a purple tentacle sliced through Hunk and tore him away. Nemesis killed Hunk quickly, and kept moving towards Jill and Chris.

"Hey, you killed Hunk!" Jill yelled angrily.

"You bastard!" Chris cried, and then his Pop-Tarts were ripped from his hands.

Screaming like a little girl, Chris zoomed past Jill and they continued running. Nemesis opened the package of Pop-Tarts and sat down on the hood of a car to eat them happily.

A few zombie Chihuahuas came out to start chasing them, urging them to go even faster. Jill saw a bike and leaped on it, peddling fast. Chris complained, trying to keep up until he saw a pink kiddy's bike with training wheels and a little horn and basket. He jumped on it, but hit his junk on the seat and yelped. Jill told him to hurry before the little zombie dogs could catch up, and Chris started peddling in pain.

Eventually, the Chihuahuas gave up, and Jill and Chris continued to ride the bikes until they realized they were no longer in Raccoon City anymore. It was a foggy town, quiet and empty. They rode the bikes slowly, looking for any signs of life.

"Where are we?" Jill asked, looking all around.

"Silent Hill. I saw the sign back there," Chris answered, decided to honk his little horn and giggle.

"Hey look! It's Bob! Let's go say hi!" Jill stated. "Maybe he can get us out of here."

They got off their bikes and jogged over to Pyramid Head, who was busy using a spear to cook the head of a person over a fire like a marshmallow. He turned to face them, but didn't say hello or extend his arms for a hug like he usually did.

"Hi Bob! Can you help us find our way back to Raccoon City?" Jill asked.

Bob dropped the head and spear into the fire, and he stooped to pick up his huge sword. With a metallic moan, he started forth with the weapon dragging. At first Jill thought he was going to show them the way, but then his knife came crashing down on Chris's girly bike and destroying it.

"Run!" Chris yelled.

They were running. They ran through streets and alleyways trying to find a safe location until they wandered out into a cemetery and actually saw a real life person. Chris and Jill walked over to him. The man wore a green jacket and a pair of old blue jeans. He looked kind of lost, scratching his dirty blond hair and looking around.

"Excuse us, can you help us get out of here?" Jill asked.

"Who what where?" the man yelped, jumping straight up into the air like a cat and whirling around. He had a lead pipe in his hands, but he calmed down once seeing them. "I'm trying to find my dead wife. Have you seen here?"

Chris paled, and he whispered to Jill. "Okay, this guy is a loony…let's split!"

"Mary? Is that you?" the guy asked. "It's James, your husband. Don't you remember me?"

James came towards Jill, arms extended as if he had planned to hug her. Jill freaked and round kicked the man in the face, knocking him out cold. She turned to Chris. "Let's scram!"

They started through the cemetery, hearing Pyramid Head catch up. By the time they reached the other end of the foggy cemetery, there was a random hole with a sign and arrow pointing to it. The sign read "To Wake Up Ville."

"Oh, that sounds easy!" Jill exclaimed.

"So, you just want to jump down a random hole that is miles deep in the middle of a demonic town?" Chris asked, surprised.

"Sounds good to me!" Jill said, and jumped right on into the hole.

* * *

**Wake Up Ville...**

Jill jolted awake, shaking her head to focus on her surroundings faster. They were all in a dungeon, and each of them was handcuffed to somebody else. She was handcuffed to Chris, Claire was handcuffed to Leon, and Wesker was handcuffed to Ada. She noticed that there were a few missing from their group. Rebecca, Krauser, Nicholai, Hunk, Bob and the Tyrants were all gone. She knew that Barry had disappeared over the side of the ship before it sunk, and knew that Carlos was still in jail. But what happened to the others?

She was the only one awake. Everyone else was still snoozing away from the sleeping gas that sprayed into their nostrils from the cute skunk robot. Sighing, Jill hung her head to wait for the others to wake up. Apparently, they were going to have to find a way out of this and face the Ashford Twins before they could get back on track of their crazy vacation.

* * *

**A/N: So sorry yet again on the super long wait! I hope this chapter proved to be worth the wait. I had alot of trouble writing this chapter for some reason, so I hope it is funny! Please let me know what you think! I've missed you guys! I am slowly getting back on track so I should be uploading more chapters than I have been in the few weeks or so. Thanks for being patient with me everyone! You guys all deserve some awesome home baked cookies! Ah screw it, who wants cookie dough instead? :)**


	10. Chapter 10: Twins, Goats, and Pikachu!

**Chapter 10: Ashford Twins, Goats, and…Pikachu?**

Jill sighed out loud, while everyone snored away. She had no idea why she was able to awaken first, while everyone else remained conked out. Luckily, she had found a vial of bright pink nail polish on the ground nearby and occupied herself with painting Chris's fingernails since they were handcuffed together anyway. Chris giggled, snorted like a pig, and tried to roll over.

"Five more minutes!"

The door to the dungeon burst open, and Jill saw Alfred storm into the mucky room with a megaphone and a plastic cup with a lid and a kiddy straw. He put the megaphone up to his mouth, and screeched out at them all.

"Time to wake up, losers!" He then proceeded to slurp out of his straw.

Everyone jolted awake from the sudden outburst. Chris punched Jill right in the face after screaming and jumping to his feet.

"I'm up, I'm up!"

"Ouch, you idiot!" Jill snapped.

"Holy snickerdoodle, my fingernails are pink! It's such a nice shade! But I can't tell if it's princess pink or sexy flamingo."

Jill checked the nail polish. "It says sweet cotton candy."

"That's mine!" Alfred snapped, walking over to Jill and Chris and swiping the nail polish away from them. "I was wondering why this wasn't by my Happy Napper unicorn princess pillow!"

"Make him shut up! His voice is killing me!" Ada complained.

"Where are my minions?" Wesker grumbled, dusting himself off. He walked right on over to Alfred, dragging Ada along effortlessly.

"I took all of your evil minions to persuade to join my side!" Alfred cackled. "Plus, I needed some more hired hands to carry all my shoes when I go shoe shopping."

"Well, why did you take Rebecca? She isn't evil," Claire stated.

"Wow! We're handcuffed together Claire!" Leon exclaimed.

Claire patted him on his head. "Aren't you so observant? Good boy!"

"I know Rebecca is evil deep down! I just need to bring it out!" Alfred stated.

Jill snorted. "Rebecca? Evil? She's like a cute little bunny rabbit!"

"I always wanted my poop to come out like a rabbit's. So small, and perfectly round! So cute!" Alfred laughed.

Everyone stared at him oddly, and the evil male twin quickly cleared his throat and continued. "Anyways, just you wait and see! Rebecca will be the most evil of all my minions!"

Chris choked on his laughter. "Yeah, good luck with that."

"So, what exactly do you have planned for us? I'm trying to take a vacation here!" Wesker complained.

"Well, Alexia and I are still deciding what to do with you. I can't wait, there are so many torturous ways! But for now, enjoy your time in my dirty dungeon with these complimentary muffins I baked for you!"

Alfred clapped his hands twice loudly. A butler brought in a tray of muffins and sat them down on the nearby torture table. The butler quickly left, while the prisoners yelled in delight upon seeing the delicious batch of muffins.

"I love cupcakes!" Chris exclaimed, hopping excitedly.

"They're muffins, not cupcakes!" Wesker quipped.

"There's a difference?"

Leon slapped his forehead, shaking his head like everyone was stupid. "Well duh! Cupcakes are actually small cakes and usually have icing and are meant for dessert while muffins are a type of quick bread that is usually made with nuts or fruits for breakfast or snacks."

Before everyone could dig in, Ada smacked everyone's hands away. "Hello! Alfred made these muffins! They're poisoned or something!"

Wesker pouted while rubbing his hand. "But I really want that banana nut muffin right there."

Ada dragged Wesker along over to where Alfred was standing. "What did you do to the muffins?"

Alfred looked flabbergasted. "The nerve! My muffins are delicious! They're Martha Stewart recipe! Do you think Martha Stewart puts poison in her muffins?"

Ada let her shoulders sag. "No…"

"Okay then! Enjoy the muffins before you have to die miserably!"

"I got the banana nut!" Chris hollered, raising the muffin up like it was Simba from the Lion King.

Wesker's eyes widened behind his sun glasses and he whirled around, making Ada jerk along behind him. "Oh no you don't!"

Wesker slung his arm that was attached to Ada. Ada felt herself being thrown through the air, with only the cuffs to keep her from flying across the room. She felt her ass crash into Chris and they went down. Wesker caught the banana nut muffin in his free hand and ate it with a smile.

"You jerk! You used my body to slap other people!" Ada snapped, getting up from the ground.

"Well, I wouldn't have been able to reach Chris in time before he ate it without doing that!"

"Unless you want to become a eunuch and talk like Alfred I suggest you never do that again," Ada warned.

"Isn't that city? In like Germany?" Leon asked.

"That's Munich you, idiot," Claire sighed.

"Ohhh…"

Wesker only snorted at Ada's warning. "I am your superior and you cannot tell me what to do! I'll use you like a bat if I feel like it."

Ada's glare deepened and she kicked Wesker right in the groin. Wesker yelped, dropping like a sack of rocks to his knees and squeaking in pain.

"Right in the tyrant balls," Wesker squeaked.

"Oh, how I wish there was a rewind button for that," Jill snickered.

Next thing Ada knew, she was being slammed into Chris again. This caused Jill to jump on Wesker, and Claire to jump on Leon. Within seconds, there was a giant dust ball of flying fists, gnawing teeth, and flying bodies. The yells rose high, and Alfred burst into the dungeon wearing a yellow and blue dress.

"What is going on here?" he yelled above the noise of the fights.

The handcuffed prisoners came to a halt, pausing in mid-fight. Ada was chewing on Wesker's hair while Wesker was choking Chris. Jill was frozen in place about to kick Leon in the ass while Claire was about to punch her. It had turned into a complete mess in seconds, limbs were tangled, and the handcuffs were tight. The prisoners started to untangle themselves and dust themselves off, looking ashamed.

Then they noticed all the birds that had perched on Alfred's shoulders, tweeting happily. A deer, a squirrel, a few rabbits, and a raccoon had also followed Alfred into the dungeon.

"Wow, Alfred! Look at all the cute animals with you!" Claire stated, pointing at the Ashford twin.

Alfred looked upon his shoulders, as well as the animals that surrounded him. He jumped up and down angrily, roaring out at the animals and making them run away. "I'M NOT SNOW WHITE DAMMIT!"

Alfred whirled around back to his prisoners, pointing at them with a crazy look. "You guys better behave…or…or else!"

He slammed the door to the dungeon shut and was gone, leaving Wesker and the others to ponder and recover from their scuffle.

"Okay, we can't be fighting. We need to work together in order to get out of here!" Jill said, looking at all of them.

"She's right, no fighting," Ada sighed.

"So, how are we going to escape? We're handcuffed and have no weapons!" Chris exclaimed.

"Well, first off, we should try and get these handcuffs taken off," Claire suggested, looking around the dungeon for tools to use.

"Don't you wish at times like these you had super human strength to just tear the handcuffs in half?" Leon chuckled.

Everyone looked to Leon in surprise, and then slowly, everyone's heads turned to Wesker. Wesker glared at them, and then caught on. "Ohh…yeah. Alright, everyone line up and I'll break your hands."

"You mean handcuffs," Ada corrected him.

"Right…I meant that."

Wesker broke everyone's handcuffs in half, freeing them all. They grouped together, huddled like a football team to make a plan. First, they had to find the others and free them, then they had to get out of this place, wherever this place was.

"If this is anything like our time at Rockfort Island or Antarctica, then be prepared to face Dracula and an ant farm," Chris stated.

"You mean Nosferatu and an ant farm," Claire corrected her brother.

Chris got huffy. "They're both vampires and both counts! Excuse me!"

"Okay, everyone settle down. Now let's create teams and go find the others," Jill stated.

"I get Ada, Claire, and Jill!" Wesker called.

"Hey! No fair, that's all the women!" Chris replied.

"Yeah, we want some women too!" Leon complained.

"Look, it's all very simple. My team here is the smart team that will most likely survive this mansion while you two are the dumb team that will most likely die in some cruel, very awesome set of events. Besides, I'm the only real man around here. How can you take care of these women?"

"He does have a point," Leon suggested.

Chris growled at Leon and slapped him upside the head. "Shut up!"

Ada shook her head. "Oh, that's it. The women will make up one team, you men can make up another. Whoever finds the others and save them first is the winner."

Leon leaped in the air, all excited. "BATTLE OF SEX!"

Claire cleared her throat. "You mean Battle of the Sexes."

Chris conked Leon on the head once more. "That means we're stuck with Wesker, you idiot! He'll try and feed us to the ants!"

Leon jumped on Chris total Scooby-Doo style. "I don't want to be eaten by ants!"

Wesker rolled his eyes, glaring at Ada with her superior smile. "I hope you're happy making me get stuck with these losers. This is coming out of your paycheck."

"You don't pay me."

"Oh yeah…"

So with that, Ada, Jill, and Claire went on their merry way to go try and find the others before the men. Wesker turned to his two teammates, wondering how the hell he was going to be able to defeat the women with Chris and Leon. Chris was scratching his armpit like a gorilla and then sniffed his fingers to make sure he smelled alright while Leon made his hands bark like dogs at each other and pretend to fight them. Wesker slapped his forehead, groaning out loud. This was actually causing him pain, and not the good kind.

"Let's go, so we can lose and get it over with," Wesker growled, moving on.

"We'll never win with an attitude like that! Turn that frown upside down! No smiles, no whales!" Leon sang.

"No whales?" Chris inquired, confused. "That doesn't even rhyme!"

"I don't tell you how to live your life!" Leon yelled back, his feelings hurt.

"Well, at least I can rhyme! Rhyming is easy! Just watch all the hip-hop singers, they are professionals!"

"Wesker, Chris is being mean to me!" Leon tattled.

Chris gasped. "Tattler! I am not!"

"Are to!"

"Am not!

"Are to!

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes, I am!" Chris yelled angrily.

"Hah! I tricked you!" Leon giggled.

"Damn it! I always fall for that!"

"Hey, where did Wesker go?" Leon asked, looking around the room they came into.

"He must have left us! We need to catch up to him and fast!" Chris answered.

The room they had entered into next was a dining room, and both men started acknowledging all the statues, paintings, and decorations of goats all over the place. There was a goat clock that watched them evilly as its tail acted like the pendulum. When it hit on the hour, the goat went BAAAHHHH. There was a goat piñata hanging from the chandelier and there was a large goat statue on the long dining table. There were several paintings on the walls depicting sad goats, happy goats, mean goats, and majestic goats.

"Okay, what's with all the goats?" Chris asked, getting creeped out. "Did Alexia replace her obsession with ants with goats? How does that make sense?"

"I don't know, but goats creep me out! They eat things they shouldn't and like to ram you in places!"

"Well, don't worry about it. None of these goats are real," Chris sighed, leading the way.

They left the dining hall out into a large hallway. The two men looked in either direction, wondering whether they should go right or left. It was then they heard some more goat noises and looked to their left. A goat came around the corner at the end of the hallway, black with a little gray beard and horns. He had a little collar that had a bell on it that jingled when he walked. The goat saw them, and started walking for them with flopping ears.

Leon freaked. "He's gonna eat my boxers! No!"

He turned tail and took off running. Chris screamed too, following right behind Leon as the goat kept coming for them in a funny run.

"Bahhhhhh-ahhhh!"

* * *

Ada, Claire, and Jill were making great time through the mansion, trying to locate the others. It was so easy, that the women were getting suspicious. It was unlike the Ashford twins to leave their place unguarded or full of zombies.

Still, they kept going until they found a kid blocking their path. No, not a little human. A young goat. It baaed at them in such a cute, helpless little way. Instantly, the girls melted, going "AWWWW!" and walking over to the little thing.

They were petting the baby goat, and the kid seemed to be enjoying it, until they felt hot snorts coming down their back. Slowly, the girls turned to see a giant, ugly, goat BOW that looked like it had been puked out of a bologna factory.

"Is that the mother goat?" Claire gulped.

"I think so," Ada stated.

"Damn, she's ugly!" Jill exclaimed.

The mother goat roared out at them, flinging spit out like whips. The girls screamed and took off running while the kid watched and baaed cutely, blinking big eyes. They were running through the hallways with this thing chasing after them. It made horrendous baaing noises as it crashed through the corridors behind them. Ada was in lead, followed by Jill and Claire, who fought over second place.

"Dammit woman, how the hell do you not break your ankle in those heels?" Claire barked.

"Yeah! You need to teach me that trick!" Jill yelled.

"I'll be sure to give you two pointers if we make it out of her alive!" Ada called back.

They saw Wesker coming up in the hallway. He peered at them curiously as the women flew by, sounding like NASCAR cars.

"Hi Wesker!" Ada yelled.

"Bye Wesker!" Claire called.

"Watch out for the demon goat!" Jill warned.

"Demon goat?" Wesker asked, turning around, eyes growing wide as the giant BOW ran straight over him like a truck and continued after the girls. "Ouuuchhh…"

* * *

"For the last time! I'M NOT EVIL! Now get away from me you prick!" Rebecca yelled behind the bars of her cell towards Alfred.

She looked out, saw that Nicholai was giggling and playing with baby goats, while the tyrants, Bob, and HUNK played cards. They had agreed to work with Alfred just to get out of their cells and have some fun. Alexia was actually in the room, playing Pokemon on her Nintendo DS. She giggled, and said something about her cute Charmander attacking a wild Spearow.

Alfred gave up, sighing heavily and walking over to his sister while still wearing his Snow White dress. "Alexia, my darling sister, you have been playing Pokemon for three days straight! Can you please help me antagonize our prisoners instead?"

"No! I need to win the next gym badge! And I need to level up my Pikachu more before I battle! And I want to find a Vulpix! But I can't find one anywhere!" Alexia complained.

"You have the FireRed version. You need the LeafGreen version to be able to locate a wild Vulpix," Pyramid Head stated nonchalantly, flipping out some cards for their game.

"Oh," Alexia mumbled, quivering her lip. "Does anyone have a LeafGreen version?"

"I got Pokemon Ruby," Nemesis stated.

"I got Pokemon Emerald," Mr. X said.

"I got Pokemon Sapphire," Rocko said.

"Diamond," Nicholai stated simply.

"Pearl," HUNK added.

Everyone looked to Rebecca, who sagged her shoulders while holding onto the bars of her cell. "Sorry, I traded my LeafGreen version for a collection of Digimon Cards." Rebecca then wailed out, dropping to her knees and balling. "Why, Digimon? Why?"

"Alfred, I order you to go to Amazon and order me a LeafGreen version! I need that Vulpix!" Alexia ordered.

"What?" Alfred snapped. "I can't go all the way to South America to get you a game!"

"No, ! DOT COM!"

The door to the room burst open, and in came Ada, Jill, Claire, and Wesker with guns aimed and ready to fight. Leon and Chris stumbled in afterward, cursing and complaining before joining their team.

"Let them go, now!" Jill ordered.

Alexia gasped. "No! We've been outnumbered! Alfred! Sound the alarm, hit the self-destruct button, and let loose my BOW Pikachu!"

"Oh, like we haven't heard that before! Always the alarm, always the self-destruct button, always the fight with the tyrant and blowing it up with a Rocket Launcher!" Jill complained.

"Wait…BOW Pikachu?" Claire asked, baffled.

The Ashford twins were already going through a secret door. They all chased after them into a large, underground laboratory. Rebecca was quickly released by Jill and Claire before they followed on behind the others. Alfred hit the buttons his sister told him to and they were off to the escape pad. Wesker, Chris, and the others were too late as they saw the twins get into an escape pod shaped like Spongebob Squarepants and eject out of the base.

"Looks like Team Ashford is blasting off again!" the twins yelled, disappearing.

"Well, let's get the hell out of here before-"

Stomping footsteps shook the ground. Something was coming for them, its large plump form hidden in shadow. A spark of electricity showed a flash of yellow fur, brown stripes, a lightning bolt tail, and cute, fuzzy red circled cheeks.

"Pika-Pee!" a deep voice boomed, and the BOW Pikachu revealed itself in the light with big, round eyes and a face so adorable, everyone was in love.

"Awwwwww! He's so cute!" Wesker giggled.

"Look at those little cheeks!" Rebecca laughed.

"And that adorable lightning bolt tail!" Leon exclaimed, clapping excitedly.

"And that cute spark of electricity!" Jill added.

In an instant, yellow electricity filled the large room, and everyone got shocked to hell. Everyone lost control of their bladders, limbs, and voices. Their skin burned and their hair stuck out like afros.

"PIKACHU, I SEE YOU!" the huge Pikachu roared.

"We have to fight this thing and get out before the place goes up in flames!" Wesker ordered.

"Easy for you to say!" Chris grumbled.

Nevertheless, they all managed to pull together to face the giant, demonic Pikachu. There were random weapons on the floor that they all managed to scoop up as Pikachu stepped closer and closer, a mousy smile on his face.

"Are you sure we can kill this thing, Wesker?" Ada asked.

"I'm positive!" Wesker called.

Chris gasped, his eyes going wide and stupid. "Wesker! You're pregnant? Who's the father?"

Wesker clenched his jaw, slamming his fist into Chris's face and knocking him out cold. "Alright, let's get this party started!"

"PIKA-PEE-CHU!"

* * *

**A/N: Don't ask lol! This was so random and weird, I know! Had a blast writing it though, so I hope you all enjoyed reading it! Next chapter it is our favorite RE cast against giant, demonic Pikachu! With other random, hilarious events to ensue as well! Thanks for reading and reviewing everyone! You guys rock! :)**


	11. Chapter 11: The Black Hole

**Chapter 11: The Black Hole**

It didn't matter what they threw at the giant Pikachu BOW, the monster kept coming for them and shocking the hell out of every living thing. Leon had forgotten about fighting and was running back and forth screaming about his beautiful hair that now looked liked an afro. They had found guns but were wasting ammo only to make the giant Pikachu even madder. Wesker's superhuman attacks only bounced off the fat, round belly of the BOW.

"Ssspppttt! Over here ya'll!"

The voice was uncannily familiar. They all looked to see the Merchant in the corner waving at them. The group barreled over each other to get to him, never before so excited to see the strange merchant.

"My buddy 'ol pal!" Leon squealed.

"Howdy strangers! Whad'ya buyin'?"

He opened his robes, but instead of weapons there were only PokeBalls. Wesker shrilled out, arms rising to the sky as he fell to his knees in despair. He did not want to do a Pokemon battle. The others scooped up some balls and started throwing them.

"Male Zombie type A use Bite!" Jill called.

"Licker, use Tongue Slap!" Claire yelled.

"Hunter, use Talon Swipe!" Chris yelled, jumping up and down excitedly.

Rebecca tossed out a ball. "Cerberus use Growl to intimidate!"

Wesker shook his head. "This is ridiculous! Have I gone completely bonkers?"

Leon was laughing, throwing a ball out there. It ended up being a grenade and everyone dove for cover as it exploded. They all got to their feet and glared at Leon, who was embarrassed.

Someone poked Wesker on the shoulder. He turned to looked and see who it was, only for his eyes to widen as he recognized the mysterious female ninja. He ducked just in time to evade her lips and her fingers.

"Were you trying to kiss me or take my sunglasses?" Wesker asked.

The ninja had to think about it for a moment. "Both!"

"Get away from me!"

So while the tyrants, Bob, Nicholai, Krauser and HUNK cheered for the good guys battling with their BOWs, Wesker was running around the room trying to get away from the ninja. Ada watched him trying to decide whether she wanted to help her boss or not. She was having fun watching him dance around. The battle with the giant Pikachu wasn't coming out in their favor, and out of frustration Rebecca threw an object at the giant BOW. She realized it was a PokeBall. The ball hit hard on the Pikachu's head, knocking him out cold and the ball sucked him up inside and the giant BOW was defeated.

"Well that was anti-climatic," Jill sighed.

"I wanted a Rocket Launcher for this scene!" Chris complained.

"Who cares, let's get out of here!" Claire yelled.

Both groups made for a quick exit. Even the Merchant and the mysterious female ninja tagged along to get out of the building before it exploded. They managed to get outside safely, and it was only moments later that the building was blasted to smithereens. It only took both groups minutes to realize they were stuck on an island.

"Dammit Ashford twins!" Ada cursed.

"Hey, what happened to Barry?" Chris asked, suddenly confused.

"He was thrown from Titanic II remember?" Jill replied, glaring at Ada.

_Back on a beach in the Bahamas…_

Barry was soaking up the sun, drinking some beer and watching hot ladies walk the beach. He chuckled, turning to the others. Carlos was chatting up some girls. William and Sherry were making a sand castle. Ashley sat on her towel with a hat over her face from the horrible headache she had received as Ashleyzilla. Even Itchy the zombie dog puppy was there chasing people around, barking, and chewing on ankles.

_Back to the heroes and villains…_

"Oh yeah…"

"Well at least we aren't in Antarctica," Rebecca stated. "Just some random island far away from the Bahamas."

"So what now?" Claire asked, looking around.

"Time to repopulate the earth!" Leon laughed. He was quickly conked on the head by the women.

The island they were on was small, and the only building on it was now burning behind them. They were reminded of their time by the plane wreckage on the other island, but that one was much larger than this one.

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that we are stuck on an island," Nemesis chuckled, only to receive glares from everyone.

Wesker felt that his feet were suddenly cold. He looked down, saw that his socks and shoes were gone, and that the girl ninja was making off with them. She had found a single jet ski and was riding off into the ocean with Wesker's shoes under her arms.

"The hell?" Ada chuckled.

"My boots! How did she do that?" Wesker cried.

"Great, our only transportation off of this tiny island was stolen by the ninja that has an obsession with annoying you, Wesker!" Jill grumbled.

"It's not my fault!"

"Hey Merchant! Got anything to build a raft with or anything?" Krauser asked.

"Let me check me arsenal, stranger." He opened his coat once more, scanning through his inventory. "More PokeBalls…a cherry pie…a rubber ducky…some ammo…some arrows…"

"Alright, let's go make people take arrows to the knee!" Leon squealed in delight.

"Cute," Ada stated. "People are still saying that?"

"I used to be an agent in Spain trying to find the President's daughter, and then I took an arrow to the knee."

"Leon, you did not take an arrow to the knee in Spain," Ada sighed, folding her arms.

"Oh yeah…I just took your knife to my thigh when I was choking you, Ashley's butt to my face when she fell from a ladder, Salazar's foot to my shin, Krauser's arm-thingy to-"

"We get it, Leon," Claire interrupted.

"So who is gonna rescue us way out here, you think?" Bob questioned.

"Commander Shepherd!"

"No, Leon, you idiot. It's gonna be Superman," Chris chuckled.

"Maybe George Clooney?" Rebecca asked, and then all the women sighed dreamily.

"Look, a ship, boss! We're saved!" Mr. X cried, pointing out to sea. He and Rocko and Nemesis started bouncing up and down in tyrant fits of glee.

"Yes! I want off this tiny island and away from all you crazy people!" Wesker yelled out, running for the shore to wave down the ship.

"It's heading this way! It sees us!" Jill stated excitedly.

"It's Canada! We're saved!" Leon laughed.

"That's a United States Army ship you idiot!" Claire snapped, dragging the laughing Leon along.

A rescue boat was already heading for the island. Leon got even more excited when he recognized Ingrid Hunnigan in her usual attire in the boat. When it docked on the island, the soldiers and Ingrid got out, and she was immediately clobbered by Leon.

"Hunny! I've missed you!"

"Don't call me that!" Ingrid snapped, kneeing Leon in the groin. As Leon dropped to the sand, chuckling how that Ingrid hadn't changed, she turned to the others. "We're here to rescue all of you."

"How did you find us?" Ada asked suspiciously.

Ingrid sighed, glaring down at Leon. "Leon gets lost…a lot. So the government planted a chip in his ass so we could always locate him."

Leon was back on his feet, checking out his own butt. "Really? Awesome! Is that why it beeps randomly once in awhile?"

"Yes, Leon."

"Is that why I have gas a lot?"

"No, Leon."

"Oh."

The other rescue boats had arrived to give everyone a ride to the ship out at sea. Ingrid directed them to get into the boats so they could get off the random island and back onto the ship.

"Wait!" Wesker objected.

"Yes?" Ingrid asked.

"Are you taking us straight to the Bahamas?" he asked.

"That's correct. So long as nothing comes up, that is."

"Shhh! You'll jinx us!" Wesker hollered.

Ada put a hand on his shoulder. "I think you need to lie down and rest."

"Yeah…you're right."

"And some new shoes," Ada added.

Wesker quivered his lip. "Those were my favorite pair. They were my boots of doom."

Ada patted his shoulder reassuringly. "I know. I know. It's okay."

"Do you guys need a moment?" Ingrid asked, raising an eyebrow.

"He'll be okay," Ada sighed. "He has moments."

"Okay, well, let's get everybody loaded onto the rescue boats. After all, we need to get to the Bahamas if we are all gonna have a vacation," Jill stated.

"What's left of it anyway," Claire grumbled.

They all loaded up on the boats and were sent to the awaiting ship. Aboard the ship, Ada stole some boots that were lying about and gave them to Wesker. Her boss was still upset about his boots of doom still being gone, but at least now he didn't have bear feet walking around. The ship started sail for the Bahamas, and everyone could take a breath of relief that things were starting to turn out better.

"This ship isn't going to sink or hit a random iceberg is it?" Chris asked.

Ingrid glared at him. "It hurts that you question the competence of my men."

"We question Leon all the time," Claire chuckled.

"Hey! At least I can run and shoot at the same time!"

"No you can't Leon! None of us can!"

"Damn you Capcom!"

Ingrid rubbed her temples. "I'm getting a headache. I didn't know that the good guys and bad guys took vacation together anyways."

"We don't!" Wesker yelled. "It's Chris's fault!"

"Why do you always blame me?" Chris asked, offended.

"Because you are my arch nemesis!"

"Oh yeah…"

"I'm a nemesis!" Nemesis laughed, making Mr. X and Rocko join in, but soon their boss glared them down and the tyrants hushed.

"Miss Hunnigan! We got something strange coming up ahead," the captain of the ship said.

"What is it?" Ingrid asked briskly, following the captain to look out ahead of the ship.

"Please let it be a Chinese buffet! I'm starving!" Leon exclaimed.

"That would be awesome!" Chris agreed.

Jill and Claire face palmed.

"Where did HUNK, Nicholai, and Krauser go?" Wesker asked.

"To play poker with the soldiers," Ada answered.

"It looks like some kind of black hole…but in the middle of the ocean and not in space," Ingrid stated, slightly confused. She squinted her eyes hard. "It's so pretty, really."

"A black hole?" Ada inquired, baffled.

They all walked over to see a shimmering hole that was forming in the ocean. It looked like it was sucking water and seagulls into its mass, and the ship was heading straight for it.

"Maybe we should…I don't know, go around it?" Jill stated, as if it was obvious.

"Yes, because I want to go to the Bahamas, not some alternate universe or room with a moose!" Wesker growled.

"On it," the captain replied, ordering the crew to steer clear of the black hole looking thing.

It didn't matter, as the ship got closer, the black hole was sucking the vessel towards it. Everyone had to hold on as the alarms started going off in the ship.

"Why does this have to happen to me? I just wanted a vacation! Is that so much to ask?" Wesker cried.

"Shut up!" Ada yelled.

And with an echoing slurping noise, the ship was sucked into the black hole, and just like that the circling mass of mystery and darkness exploded. Everyone on the ship was screaming as they were traveling through a warping hole of colors and oddities. And just like that, the ship crashed onto a dark, deserted street in the middle of a city.

They were quick to abandon ship, wondering what the hell happened. They started to look around, seeing how the streets and buildings looked very familiar. There were cars parked along the road, but there was destruction and blood everywhere. There were fires going, broken glass all over the street, and moans echoing from far off.

"Holy crap! We're back in Raccoon City!" Jill exclaimed, horrified.

"Damn it!" Wesker yelled, kicking a dead zombie. "I'll never get my vacation!"

"Wesker, this is serious! We could die in here!" Ada snapped.

"Oh, come on! We're all just dreaming…or very high," Leon chuckled.

They suddenly realized that Ingrid and the soldiers had disappeared out of nowhere. Even the ship was gone. Krauser and Nicholai were arguing over who won at poker. HUNK was getting excited because he was seeing zombies to kill, and Bob was sticking close to the tyrants. They were all accounted for, except for the ship, soldiers, and Ingrid.

"So how are we going to get out of here?" Rebecca asked meekly.

"Just like we did before, dummy!" Chris replied. "Let's go kill some shit!"

"You know what would be cool? If we ran into our past selves while we were here! How twisted would that be?" Leon laughed.

Just as he finished those words, Jill in her Resident Evil 3 costume was running along the street. The men's eyes went wide, and they started howling like wolves. Real Jill grew red in anger and punched the closest man, which happened to have been Chris.

"Great. I have a feeling this is going to be very annoying," Wesker grumbled.

"As long as we all stick together, I'm sure we can figure a way out of this nightmare," Claire stated logically.

Just then alternate universe Ada dressed in her Resident Evil 2 costume ran past, down a different street from Resident Evil 3 Jill. Leon squealed and took off after her.

"Ada, wait!"

* * *

**A/N: After a super long wait on this chapter, it's finally back and with more randomness than ever lol! So sorry for the wait, I had major writer's block on this. I hate writer's block! It really sucks! So it looks now that our heroes and villains are trapped in an alternate universe of the past of the destruction of Raccoon City...did that make sense? I have a feeling next chapter is gonna be confusing lol!**


End file.
